Oscar Week Guest Post: The Departed

So we watched the Oscars last night - there were some surprises (Alan Arkin RULES) and some givens (Pan's Labyrinth for everything involving how gorgeous it was), but let's be honest...did you REALLY see all the Best Picture nominees? Probably not. So here, WITH SPOILERS, are the five nominees, in no particular order except that the one that won is first. Rob Matsushita wants you to know that he "actually really really liked this movie."
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[Boston, Years ago.]

Jack Nicholson: Hey, kid, I'm a tough gangster who owns the neighborhood. Someday you'll work for me.
Lil' Matt Damon: Um...
Jack Nicholson: But first, you gotta join the police force.
Lil' Matt Damon: Cool. I think.
Jack Nicholson: No need to think, little buckaroo. Here's some groceries and comics.

[Matt Damon GROWS UP and BECOMES A DETECTIVE. Meanwhile, ELSEWHERE IN BOSTON...LEONARDO DICAPRIO also goes through police training.]

Martin Sheen: I'm a hard-but-otherwise-nice-commander of a secret unit.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Oh, hi.
Mark Wahlberg: YOU THINK HE CAN HELP YOU?!?! NO ONE CAN HELP YOU!! YOU ARE IN DEEP SHIT!!! YOU THINK YOU'RE A COP, YOU [insert stream of derogatory terms for Irish here]???
Leonardo DiCaprio: What's with all the hostility?
Martin Sheen: Mark Wahlberg may be a douchebag, but he's a good-guy douchebag. He doesn't like you because your background is like that of an Irish mobster. Will you work undercover for us?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Cool. I think.
Martin Sheen: No need to think, little buckaroo. Here's some groceries and and a three month prison term so that you look legit to the other mobsters.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Gulp.
Mark Wahlberg: YEAH, YOU'D BETTER GULP, YOU [insert stream of derogatory terms for gay here]!!!

[INSERT TITLE: "You have just been watching the first twenty minutes of 'The Departed.'"]

Audience: Wow. This movie's going to be long.

[During the next two hours...]

Matt Damon: [On phone to Jack Nicholson] You guys have totally got a rat working for you!
Leonardo DiCaprio: [On phone to Martin Sheen] You guys have totally got a rat working for you!

[Later...]

Matt Damon: They've almost found me out!
Leonardo DiCaprio: They've almost found me out!
Vera Farmiga: Okay, which one of you assholes wants to fuck me?
Matt Damon: Oooh! Pick me!
Leonardo DiCaprio: Yes, please!
Vera Farmiga: Ohhhhhh, alllll riiiiiight.

[Then EVERYONE SHOOTS EVRYONE IN THE FACE. Mark Wahlberg is the only one left standing.]

Mark Wahlberg: YEAH, YOU'D BETTER ALL BE DEAD BUT ME, YOU [insert stream of derogatory terms for the audience here as the ROLLING STONES OR SOMETHING PLAYS OVER THE SOUNDTRACK.]

Grade: A-, because any movie that shoots Leo DeCaprio in the face deserves a high rating.