Oscar Week Guest Post: Babel

We love us a convoluted tale of many people of many races in many countries that makes us think about the world and stuff. Plus, Brad Pitt's in it, which is apparently all Ryan Seacrest cares about (see: Seacrest's interview with Gael Garcia Bernal). Neal Hohman of Pop Yuk condenses what is, in reality, a very good movie. We're not trying to hate.
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[it is MOROCCO]
Moroccan Kid 1: Let's go shoot this gun.
[Kid 1 SHOOTS]
Moroccan Kid 2: You suck. I can shoot it better. So good, in fact, that I will shoot at this tour bus and hit Cate Blanchett in the shoulder with my bullet.
[Kid 2 SHOOTS]
Brad Pitt [on tour bus in Morocco]: WTF!!! Are you hurt??!!
[the bus STOPS]
Moroccan Kids 1 & 2: Oh shit!
Brad Pitt: I am Brad Pitt and I will save you, Cate Blanchett. [now on the PHONE with Amelia, the Mexican MAID at their home in San Diego] You must look after the kids a bit longer, for I have saving to do.
[in SAN DIEGO now]
Amelia: But I have a wedding in Mexico to go to.
Guy from Motorcycle Diaries and Amores Perros: We can take them with us to the wedding while I smoke cigarettes and listen to extremely loud music.
Precious Little White Children: [make SAD faces and CRY, then SMILE, then CRY again]
[back in MOROCCO]
U.S. Embassy in Morocco: Quick! Act like you know what you're doing! Stern faces everyone. Now!
[now in TOKYO]
Deaf Tokyo Girl (still in high school): I've never had sex. I want to have it!
[shows GOODS to boy at a nearby TABLE; then takes DRUGS--then LIKES boy.]
Friend of Deaf Tokyo Girl: I'm cuter and therefore I will steal your extremely shady hookup opportunity for myself.
Deaf Tokyo Girl: [CRIES. Then MOVES ON to the Detective investigating her FATHER] Detective, I want you.
Detective: Um, you're, like, still pretty young and stuff.
Deaf Tokyo Girl: [LEAVES the room; then comes back NAKED --Varsity Blues style, but without the WHIPPED CREAM. They HUG]
U.S. Embassy in Morocco [on the trail of the SHOOTERS]: Let's shoot first and ask questions later. That always works out for the best. [SHOOT and KILL Moroccan Kid 1]
[Cut to Mexico - U.S. BORDER]
[Amelia and guy from Motorcycle Diaries leave the WEDDING inebriated with Precious Little White Children; they get STOPPED at the BORDER; they FLEE back into the U.S.; Motorcycle Diaries guy DRIVES OFF leaving Precious Little White Children in the DESERT with Amelia. Amelia CRIES. The kids CRY. They make that REALLY ANNOYING crying face that kids make. Then they CRY some more and try to look really THIRSTY even though Craft services is just YARDS away. Amelia leaves to find HELP. She is ARRESTED by the Border Patrol. They can't find the KIDS. She is SENT BACK to Mexico.]
[HELICOPTER arrives for Cate Blanchett in MOROCCO. She is SAVED. But not before URINATING on herself. The kids are OKAY, after all. Brad Pitt is UPSET but HAPPY. ]