Guest Post: My Best Friend's Wedding

Oh, unrequited love. You give us so many plotlines. But since the concept of unrequited love is pretty much universal, movies that center on it tend toward trite cliches and cutesiness. Laura McClain exposes this film for what it really is: pro-gay propaganda.
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[it is 1997]

Julia Roberts: Please, America, for the love of God, love me again! I have the red curly hair! So red! So curly! I’m sorry about Mary Reilly!!

[her HUGE cell phone RINGS]
Julia Roberts: Oh, it’s my BEST FRIEND. He has left a message.

[she EXPOSITS a TALE of ARRANGED marriage to a BORED Rupert Everett]
Dermont Mulroney: Oh, I met a girl. And we’re getting married in a lavish ceremony that would take years to plan. Oh, and it’s this weekend. Wanna come?
Julia Roberts: Now that I can’t have you, I want you! I shall destroy your happiness!
[she TRAVELS to Chicago, whilst PLOTTING evilly]

Cameron Diaz: AAAAAAAA! New best friend! I’m so perky perky perky WHEEE!

[she SCREAMS some MORE, apparently ENDEARING herself to US]
Julia Roberts: Although I love her, I shall destroy her.

[she makes many EVIL plans that include GETTING Dermont Mulroney FIRED and forcing Cameron Diaz to sing KARAOKE]

Rupert Everett: Thought I would be a tiny supporting player, didn’t you? Well, here I am to steal this shit!

[wacky MISUNDERSTANDINGS ensue]

Julia Roberts: Uh - this is my fiancé - JEALOUS???

Dermont Mulroney: I guess.
[Rupert Everett LEADS the WEDDING party in a MOVIE-SAVING rendition of “I Say a Little Prayer for You”]
Julia Roberts: Damn! None of my plans have worked! I will have to kiss Dermont Mulroney on his wedding day, in a scenic gazebo.
[she DOES, and Cameron Diaz SEES them]
Cameron Diaz: AAAAAA! Betrayal!!!

[she RUNS away, arms FLAILING. Julia Roberts CHASES her in a BREAD truck]
Julia Roberts: I have realized the error of my ways. Marry her, Dermont Mulroney.
Dermont Mulroney: Wha? Oh. Okay.

[an IMPROBABLE wedding HAPPENS, and Cameron Diaz WEARS the UGLIEST wedding DRESS in the WORLD]
Julia Roberts: Wah wah, I did the right thing, whine whine whine.
Rupert Everett: I’ve returned in a tuxedo to dance with you!
Audience: Thank you, Rupert Everett. You have helped me overcome my homophobia, because you were the only part of this movie that didn't suck.