Guest Post: First Knight

Valentine's Day is coming up. Celebrate it with a loved one, if you have one. Or, alternately, celebrate it with a tale of love, betrrayal and incongrous dialects. The only qualified person to write this entry was Laura McClain, as she is the only person known to have actually watched the movie all the way through.

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[it is a MAGICAL MEDIEVAL time]

Sean Connery: What a magnificent kingdom I have created with my sweet Scottish brogue. Camelot rules! But alas, I remain lonely.

Julia Ormond: I have been promised in marriage to King Arthur. How exciting.

[she JOURNEYS to CAMELOT with many HENCHMEN, but they are STOPPED by BANDITS along the way]

Julia Ormond: Who will save me??

Richard Gere: I am Lancelot! I live by my wits and grating American accent in the woods! I will save you if you make out with me!

Julia Ormond : Nevah!

[She STARES at him LONGINGLY]

Sean Connery: Welcome to Camelot, Julia Ormond! Let us have a big, color-coordinated party for you!

[they PARTY, but she does not LOVE him]

Sean Connery: I have decided to build a crazy medieval obstacle course! The winner can make out with my new wife!

[a MYSTERIOUS MAN, aka Lancelot, WINS]

Sean Connery: You will be my right hand man. I trust you with my entire life, plus my hot fiancée, even though I've known you for ten minutes.

[he GAZES LOVINGLY at Lancelot]

Julia Ormond: Help! I've been kidnapped! All this vague homoeroticism has caused you to neglect me!

[She is SEXUALLY harassed by Arthur's ENEMY and HELD in a really ADVANCED PRISON]

Richard Gere: My bravery will save you!

[it DOES. They RIDE a HORSE in a FOREST and DRINK water off a LEAF in an EROTIC way]

Sean Connery: We are being attacked! Come battle with me, Lancelot!

[they BATTLE some SAXONS and Lancelot has TRIPPY fantasies about his TORTURED childhood]

Julia Ormond: I can't deny my feelings anymore!

[she and Lancelot MAKE OUT and are CAUGHT by King Arthur]

Sean Connery: [Repeated with no VARIANCE of INTENSITY or EMOTION] Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Julia Ormond: Sorry I cheated on you.

Sean Connery: I'll deal with you later. But now we're being attacked again.

[he gives a ROUSING speech to the PEOPLE of Camelot, and is INSTANTLY SHOT in the CHEST with an ARROW by his ENEMY]

Camelot: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

[they AVENGE his DEATH]

Richard Gere: Well, I guess we can get married now.

[they FLOAT King Arthur's BODY down a LAKE on a PYRE, and then LIVE with EVERLASTING guilt]