Guest Post: The English Patient

We here at the ultra-condensed studios have been toying with the idea of "departments," since we appear to have talents for different genres. My tastes tend to fall to simply "bad/poorly acted" movies, while Laura McClain's tend toward the "weepy epic" type. Below is a fine example of one such epic - with some personal touches that, I think, give it that extra touch of pathos needed to render a truly hilarious condensation.
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[it is POST-WAR ITALY]
Juliette Binoche: It’s hard being a saint-like nurse, especially when everyone I love dies on me.
[she HELPS a MYSTERIOUSLY BURNED man of UNKNOWN origin]
Juliette Binoche: The burned man will be in terrible pain if we take him on the road. I’ll stay here in this gorgeously crumbling monastery to wait for his impending death. He probably has a good story or two to keep me from being bored.

[she has NO IDEA]
Ralph Fiennes in Burn Makeup: Wanna hear a tale of the desert?
[we are INSTANTLY transported to the DESERT]
Hot Desert Ralph Fiennes: I hope our map-making expedition isn't hindered by things like a world war or too much sun exposure.
Julian Fellowes: Or a hot married chick.
[they LAUGH]
Kristin Scott Thomas: Hey, I’m here with my husband on your expedition.
Hot Desert Ralph Fiennes: Oh, crap.
[they have many DESERT ADVENTURES, like being CAUGHT in a ROMANTIC SANDSTORM, while her husband is CONVENIENTLY away]
Hot Desert Ralph Fiennes: I love you, but I must resist.
[he CAVES, and they have the most ROMANTIC AFFAIR EVER]
Juliette Binoche: Oh sorry, I have to see who’s at the door. Hold that thought.
Naveen Andrews: Hey, just wanted to let you know that your home is rife with landmines. Maybe I should pitch a tent in the backyard and protect you.
Juliette Binoche: Sweet!
Willem Dafoe: Hey, I’m a thumbless thief with a horrific past. Can I shoot up in your patient’s bedroom and threaten to kill him?
Juliette Binoche: Sure. Sorry, mysterious burn victim. Continue.
[we are AGAIN transported to the DESERT]
Kristin Scott Thomas: I love you, but I love my husband too. I don’t know what to do!
[she and Ralph Fiennes have MORE HOT sex, and her HUSBAND catches them]
Thumbless Willem Dafoe: Wait, I have a tale of wartime woe too. Can I go now, cause it’s somehow your fault for some vague reason.
Ralph Fiennes in Burn Makeup: Uh, I guess.
[we are AGAIN transported to the DESERT]
Thumb-Having Willem Dafoe: I swear to God, I’m not a spy!!!
Random Super-Mean Nazi: You know, when people lie, we cut off their thumbs.
Thumb-Having Willem Dafoe: NOOOOOOOO!
[Laura FAST-FORWARDS through the thumb-severing]
Ralph Fiennes in Burn Makeup: Ooh, sorry about that. My turn.
[we are AGAIN transported to the DESERT]
Colin Firth: I can’t believe you cheated on me!!!
[he CRASHES his PLANE into the DESERT, trying to KILL Ralph Fiennes, but only KILLING himself]
Kristin Scott Thomas: Yeah, I’m in the plane too. And mortally wounded.
[Ralph Fiennes CARRIES her to a CAVE and LEAVES her there]
Kristin Scott Thomas: Promise you’ll come back for me.
Hot Desert Ralph Fiennes: I promise.
[he WALKS through the LITERAL desert, and then has TERRIBLE things HAPPEN, such as being ARRESTED and BEATEN and having to WALK through the DESERT again]
Naveen Andrews: Sorry to interrupt, but Juliette Binoche needs a romantic subplot.
[they GO to a CHURCH and look at PAINTINGS in a most ROMANTIC fashion, and he ALMOST dies in a BOMB accident]
Juliette Binoche: Sorry. I’m back. Please continue.
Ralph Fiennes in Burn Makeup: So, anyways..
[we are AGAIN transported to the DESERT, where Ralph Fiennes has made a DEAL with NAZIS to get a PLANE to go BACK to the CAVE where Kristin Scott Thomas DIED like, THREE MONTHS ago]
Laura: [Unintelligible SOBBING]
Thumbless Willem Dafoe: Wow, your story is about a thousand times sadder than mine. I guess I won’t kill you now.
Ralph Fiennes in Burn Makeup: Now that my tale has been told, I can die.
[he IMPLORES Juliette Binoche to KILL him, and it is SO SAD]
Naveen Andrews: Oh, I gotta go too. Bye.
[he LEAVES]
Juliette Binoche: Well, I guess I can leave too now. I shall never forget what I learned in the abandon monastery with the Hungarian burn-victim Nazi supporter, the thumbless, drug-addicted thief and the hot Sikh bomb-diffuser who got it on with me.
[Laura CRIES for 30 MINUTES and CAN’T go out for PIE, because she is too PUFFY and DEPRESSED]