Guest Post: Center Stage

Like the main character in the 2000 schlock-fest Center Stage, Laura McClain's tenacity and determination have taken her far in life. Also, she has befriended many gays, but is probably a better dancer than young Jodie Sawyer. Please enjoy this guest post by Laura as she transports you to a place where dreams come true, and everyone is a cliche wrapped in a stereotype with a creamy one-dimensional sauce.
[it is 2000]
Jodie Sawyer: I hope they will accept me into the prestigious yet fictitious American Ballet Academy!
Auditor: Wow, she has bad feet and no turnout, whatever that means. Although we will continue to berate her about these things she cannot change, we will accept her.
[she ACCEPTS Jodie into ABA]
Jodie: Wow, New York is so different from the plains of the Midwest! I hope my naivete will not stand in the way of my dreams.
[a GAY dancer RIDES up on his HOG]
Cooper Nielson: I will help you with your bags, if you and the rest of the viewing audience will pretend that I 'm not the queeniest part of this already gay movie.
Jodie: [DROOLS]
Eva Rodriguez: I smoke! And I'm black and Latina! I'll cut a bitch, and refuse to conform to ABA's dress code!
Maureen Cummings: Wow, I'm a huge bitch. I wonder if my cold frigid exterior and clinical dancing masks an inner pain.
[they have a CLASS and Jodie DANCES TERRIBLY]
Peter Gallagher: I am the head of this school, and a former ballerina! Shut up, I totally am! If you don't dance well enough to be in the workshop at the end of the year, I will not accept you into my company!
Jodie Sawyer: Oh, why am I such a bad dancer?
Charlie: Although I am also gay, I will take you salsa dancing and proclaim my love.
[they salsa dance HOTLY, but Jodie cannot FORGET Cooper Nielson]
Cooper: Allow me to spirit you off to a borough on my hog, for some painful flirting and unconvincing lovemaking.
Jodie: Cool!
Cooper: Dance in my workshop piece. It's totally gonna blow everyone's mind. It's a direct rip-off of my painful relationship woes.
[they REHEARSE, and Cooper BERATES Jodie, who cries, yet gets her SPIRIT BACK through the POWER of dance]
Maureen: I can't believe I ate that tiny cup of frozen yogurt!
Maureen's Boyfriend: I want to help you!
Maureen: [UTTERS the best line of the movie] I am the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy? Who the hell are you? NOBODY!
[The day of the WORKSHOP]
Maureen: Dance my part in the workshop, Eva. I hate ballet and all it stands for. And my mom.
[Eva DOES, to great ACCLAIM]
Peter Gallagher: I was wrong about so many things. Let us watch this new alterna-ballet.
Only Out Gay Male Dancer: I have injured myself! The understudy must go on for me!
Cooper: He is unworthy. Only I can dance the part!
[Cooper's ballet is PERFORMED with many physically IMPOSSIBLE costume changes, and other ridiculous ELEMENTS, such as a HOG on the STAGE and BALLET SEX]
Jodie: I've been redeemed! Peter Gallagher, I don't need to be in your company - I'm better than that. I will be a principal in Cooper Nielson's new company!
Peter Gallagher: Which one are you again?
[Jodie REJECTS Cooper and MAKES OUT with Charlie to THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]


Nicole said...

mmm... ballet sex

Rachel said...

why wasn't i informed of this glorious new blog???!