Classics Week Guest Post: Citizen Kane

Due to an unprecedented number of submissions of "classic" films for this blog (okay, it was two, but we're totally going to make this work), we've decided to make this week Classics Week here at the ultra-condensed studios. Russell Reed takes on what may be the #1 classic of all time - or maybe just the most overrated.

[it is 1940-something and we ZOOM in on Xanadu castle into the BEDROOM of a DYING man]

Kane: I’m dying alone and sad. I will make sure to drop this snow globe as artfully as possible when I die. Also, Rosebud.

[He DIES, and even though there is NO ONE around to hear his LAST WORD, a reporter with ESP picks up on it and decides to INVESTIGATE, interviewing people in his LIFE and seeing lots of FLASHBACKS]

[in the PAST]

Rich dude: Hey, I can raise your son in the lap of luxury, so you should totally give him to me.

Kane’s parents: Ok.

[We see Kane SLEDDING in the background in a DEEP FOCUS shot]

[less in the PAST, we see Kane become a CITIZEN, newspaper MOGUL, and have a LOVELESS marriage, which PISSES OFF William Randolph Hearst since this is based on his LIFE]

Reporter: Well, that didn’t really explain anything. I guess I’ll never know what he meant, but that’s cool cause I got this ESP thing going for me.

[In a GIANT furnace, Kane’s belongings are being BURNED and we see that his SLED was named ROSEBUD, thus showing that even if you become RICH and POWERFUL you should make time for SLEDDING]

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

sweet, now i never have to see this movie!