Classics Week: An Affair to Remember

[it is a MORE SOPHISTICATED TIME. On a CRUISE SHIP]

Cary Grant: [in a CARY GRANT-LIKE manner] My, my! The sea air certainly is bracing! [he SPIES Deborah Kerr being DEMURE and LADYLIKE] What’s this? A beautiful woman?! I shall romance her as only I, Cary Grant, can do.

[he ROMANCES her and is generally CHIVALROUS and CHARMING while they drink PINK CHAMPAGNE]

Deborah Kerr: You’re a cad…but somehow, I cannot resist your charm! How is it possible to have so much charm in just – one – man?! Damned that we’re both engaged, eh?

Cary Grant: [in GAELIC, which they both speak for some REASON] Come meet my grandmother anyway.

Grandmother: Here are some reasons you should like my grandson: 1. he’s super hot. 2. he’s completely charming. 3. he paints! Well!

Deborah Kerr: At every turn, more reasons to acquiesce! But I must not.

[the GRANDMOTHER sings a ROMANTIC song, thus sealing the whole CHARMING/TOTALLY HOT thing Grant’s got going on]

Cary Grant: Why don’t we get married in six months?

Deborah Kerr: I know I just met you, but okay. Top of the Empire State Building. On it.

[we see them with their RESPECTIVE fiancé(es) to assure us that they are MEANT FOR EACH OTHER and not these other NON-CHARMING people]

Deborah Kerr: [PINES, and sings in a nightclub]

Cary Grant: [PINES, and paints]

[six MONTHS pass]

Deborah Kerr: Oh, how wonderful it is to be alive, and beautiful, and charming, and with all my limbs working, and my – [gets HIT by a TAXI]

Cary Grant: [high ATOP the E.S.B.] Damn. I guess she doesn’t love me. Bad luck, old man.

[they both RETURN to their lame-o EXES, but are BROUGHT TOGETHER by fate again]

Cary Grant: I say, are you – can you walk?

Deborah Kerr: Though it makes no sense for me to lie about this to you…uh, yes. I can totally walk.

[he STARTS to LEAVE]

Cary Grant: You’re sure?

Deborah Kerr: Uh, yep, yep, totally good. Just resting my legs here.

[he STARTS to LEAVE]

Cary Grant: You’re a liar! Kiss me, you cripple!

Deborah Kerr: Even when you call me a liar, you just charm my legs off!

[they KISS in a HIGHLY ROMANTIC way, with SWELLS of that SONG that the GRANDMA sang earlier so you KNOW it’s totally ROMANTIC]