Classics Week: Gene Kelly Twofer

We love us some Gene Kelly. The dancing, the million-dollar smile, the hotness, the stunts, Xanadu...okay, maybe not that last one. But we have many fond memories of Gene, singing and dancing, occasionally inexplicably, in many a classic musical. So today, for Classics Week Friday, we have not one, but TWO Gene Kelly films.
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[it is PRE-TALKIE Hollywood]
Gene Kelly: It’s me, Gene Kelly, stuntman within a movie star within a movie star! Also, I’m not sure if you knew this…but I’m a dancer too.
Donald O’Connor: Hells yeah! Let’s get craaaazy! But silently crazy, because movies don’t have sound yet.
Squeaky-Voiced Leading Lady: Good thing, too, because if anyone ever heard my voice, they’d be in for a big surprise! I sure hope nothing happens to disrupt our happy silent movie way of life, and also my love affair with Gene Kelly.
[everyone tries to RIP Gene Kelly’s CLOTHES off, so he ESCAPES by jumping into Debbie Reynolds’ MOVING VEHICLE]
Gene Kelly: Hey there, sweetcheeks.
Debbie Reynolds: You don’t impress me. [sing-songily] Here we are, Sunset and Camden!* [angrily] Get out.
Gene Kelly: She was feisty…I liked it.
[everyone goes to a SEXY PARTY where Debbie Reynolds DANCES with a CRAZY HAT on and then throws CAKE at the leading lady]
Gene Kelly: SO FEISTY!! Love it.
Donald O’Connor: I’m hilarious, and I’m going to sing about it!
[he DANCES with a DUMMY and does various PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE things]
Some Movie Executive: Talkies! Talkies! Talkies! It’s all the rage!! We need to outfit your costume with the hugest flower ever so that we can hide the microphone in it.
Gene Kelly: Uh…are you aware that this chick sounds like an unoiled subway car running over a dying cat?
Squeaky-Voiced Leading Lady: I caaaaan’t staaaan’ ‘em.
Voice Therapist: [in AFFECTED British accent] I – can’t – stand – him.
[there is a SPEECH THERAPY-related song and dance which CULMINATES in a bunch of STUFF being PILED on the speech therapist, including a PLACARD showing you how to PRONOUNCE the letter A]
Gene Kelly: I just realized something!! I love that girl with the crazy hat!
[he SINGS to HIMSELF in the RAIN]
Debbie Reynolds: You’re lame!
[he SINGS to HER on a SOUNDSTAGE]
Debbie Reynolds: No, wait, you’re not.
[they KISS]
Gene Kelly: Hey, you’re an awesome singer…I have a plan.
[they CONTRIVE to DUB the leading lady’s voice with Debbie Reynolds’, but accidentally THWART their own PLAN when they raise the CURTAIN, revealing their SECRET VOICE]
Audience: Whaaaaa? Scandalous!
Debbie Reynolds: Yes, it’s me. You know, Marnie Nixon is going to totally make a career out of doing this dubbing thing, so just get over yourselves.
Some Movie Executive: Wait, you’ve got a lovely voice AND you’re cuter than that other leading lady? Let’s make a movie!
[they DO, and SING about it. And KISS]


*For some reason, this line has been in my head forever, such that when I arrive places, I have said, "Here we are, Sun-set and Cam-den!" and people have looked at me all crazy. It's a small price to pay for movie musical magic, though.
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After reading this version of An American in Paris, I'm pretty sure Laura McClain has been harboring a Gene Kelly fantasy for a looooooong time. Haven't we all, though...haven't we all?

[it is post-war Paris]
Gene Kelly: I 'm a hot ex-GI who has remained after the war to paint. By the way, I'm also a swell dancer.
[he is CLEARLY about 20 years TOO OLD to be an ex-GI, and POSSIBLY the WORST painter EVER]
Friendly Parisian Neighbors: Bonjour, Gene Kelly! Voulez-vous chanter et danser?
Gene Kelly: Mais oui!
[he SPEAKS French and dances NIMBLY with ADORABLE Parisian CHILDREN]
Gene Kelly: Time to go sell my paintings on the side of the street in a charming way.
Rich Slut: Damn, Gene Kelly...I'm very interested in your ass - I mean, "paintings."
[she BECOMES his PATRONESS, which is 50's-speak for ATTEMPTED FEMALE JOHN]
Gene Kelly: Hello, adorable, 18-year old Leslie Caron. I will beg you to go out with me in a charming/creepy manner, and consistently mispronounce your French name.
Leslie Caron: Ooh la la!
[they FALL in LOVE, though BOTH have SECRETS]
Rich Slut : How dare you love another girl!
[she ACTS all CRAZY and POSSESSIVE and BUYS him many GIFTS to OBTAIN his LOVE] Oscar Levant: Ha ha, friend. You are a man-whore.
Gene Kelly: No way. I' m in love with the Parisian waif.
[he SINGS many SONGS that REINFORCE this FACT]
Leslie Caron: Oh sorry, I' m engaged to another guy. And we 're getting married tomorrow.
Gene Kelly: I will mask my pain by emotionally messing with my "patroness."
[he DOES, and TAKES her to an AWESOME black-and-white BALL where they SEE Leslie Caron]
Gene Kelly: Why must it hurt so bad? I shall go to the roof and think of Paris.
[he has the BEST FANTASY EVER in which he DOES many HOT dance MOVES, including dancing SEXILY in a FOUNTAIN which EJACULATES water, and WEARING a yellow BODYSUIT, that SORT of EXPLAIN his LOVE and LIFE, but is REALLY just an EXCUSE to do some BADASS dancing]
Leslie Caron: Just kidding, I came back!
[they HUG, and PRESUMABLY live FOREVER in CHARMING Parisian POVERTY]