2.23.2007

Classics Week: Gene Kelly Twofer

We love us some Gene Kelly. The dancing, the million-dollar smile, the hotness, the stunts, Xanadu...okay, maybe not that last one. But we have many fond memories of Gene, singing and dancing, occasionally inexplicably, in many a classic musical. So today, for Classics Week Friday, we have not one, but TWO Gene Kelly films.
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[it is PRE-TALKIE Hollywood]
Gene Kelly: It’s me, Gene Kelly, stuntman within a movie star within a movie star! Also, I’m not sure if you knew this…but I’m a dancer too.
Donald O’Connor: Hells yeah! Let’s get craaaazy! But silently crazy, because movies don’t have sound yet.
Squeaky-Voiced Leading Lady: Good thing, too, because if anyone ever heard my voice, they’d be in for a big surprise! I sure hope nothing happens to disrupt our happy silent movie way of life, and also my love affair with Gene Kelly.
[everyone tries to RIP Gene Kelly’s CLOTHES off, so he ESCAPES by jumping into Debbie Reynolds’ MOVING VEHICLE]
Gene Kelly: Hey there, sweetcheeks.
Debbie Reynolds: You don’t impress me. [sing-songily] Here we are, Sunset and Camden!* [angrily] Get out.
Gene Kelly: She was feisty…I liked it.
[everyone goes to a SEXY PARTY where Debbie Reynolds DANCES with a CRAZY HAT on and then throws CAKE at the leading lady]
Gene Kelly: SO FEISTY!! Love it.
Donald O’Connor: I’m hilarious, and I’m going to sing about it!
[he DANCES with a DUMMY and does various PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE things]
Some Movie Executive: Talkies! Talkies! Talkies! It’s all the rage!! We need to outfit your costume with the hugest flower ever so that we can hide the microphone in it.
Gene Kelly: Uh…are you aware that this chick sounds like an unoiled subway car running over a dying cat?
Squeaky-Voiced Leading Lady: I caaaaan’t staaaan’ ‘em.
Voice Therapist: [in AFFECTED British accent] I – can’t – stand – him.
[there is a SPEECH THERAPY-related song and dance which CULMINATES in a bunch of STUFF being PILED on the speech therapist, including a PLACARD showing you how to PRONOUNCE the letter A]
Gene Kelly: I just realized something!! I love that girl with the crazy hat!
[he SINGS to HIMSELF in the RAIN]
Debbie Reynolds: You’re lame!
[he SINGS to HER on a SOUNDSTAGE]
Debbie Reynolds: No, wait, you’re not.
[they KISS]
Gene Kelly: Hey, you’re an awesome singer…I have a plan.
[they CONTRIVE to DUB the leading lady’s voice with Debbie Reynolds’, but accidentally THWART their own PLAN when they raise the CURTAIN, revealing their SECRET VOICE]
Audience: Whaaaaa? Scandalous!
Debbie Reynolds: Yes, it’s me. You know, Marnie Nixon is going to totally make a career out of doing this dubbing thing, so just get over yourselves.
Some Movie Executive: Wait, you’ve got a lovely voice AND you’re cuter than that other leading lady? Let’s make a movie!
[they DO, and SING about it. And KISS]


*For some reason, this line has been in my head forever, such that when I arrive places, I have said, "Here we are, Sun-set and Cam-den!" and people have looked at me all crazy. It's a small price to pay for movie musical magic, though.
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After reading this version of An American in Paris, I'm pretty sure Laura McClain has been harboring a Gene Kelly fantasy for a looooooong time. Haven't we all, though...haven't we all?

[it is post-war Paris]
Gene Kelly: I 'm a hot ex-GI who has remained after the war to paint. By the way, I'm also a swell dancer.
[he is CLEARLY about 20 years TOO OLD to be an ex-GI, and POSSIBLY the WORST painter EVER]
Friendly Parisian Neighbors: Bonjour, Gene Kelly! Voulez-vous chanter et danser?
Gene Kelly: Mais oui!
[he SPEAKS French and dances NIMBLY with ADORABLE Parisian CHILDREN]
Gene Kelly: Time to go sell my paintings on the side of the street in a charming way.
Rich Slut: Damn, Gene Kelly...I'm very interested in your ass - I mean, "paintings."
[she BECOMES his PATRONESS, which is 50's-speak for ATTEMPTED FEMALE JOHN]
Gene Kelly: Hello, adorable, 18-year old Leslie Caron. I will beg you to go out with me in a charming/creepy manner, and consistently mispronounce your French name.
Leslie Caron: Ooh la la!
[they FALL in LOVE, though BOTH have SECRETS]
Rich Slut : How dare you love another girl!
[she ACTS all CRAZY and POSSESSIVE and BUYS him many GIFTS to OBTAIN his LOVE] Oscar Levant: Ha ha, friend. You are a man-whore.
Gene Kelly: No way. I' m in love with the Parisian waif.
[he SINGS many SONGS that REINFORCE this FACT]
Leslie Caron: Oh sorry, I' m engaged to another guy. And we 're getting married tomorrow.
Gene Kelly: I will mask my pain by emotionally messing with my "patroness."
[he DOES, and TAKES her to an AWESOME black-and-white BALL where they SEE Leslie Caron]
Gene Kelly: Why must it hurt so bad? I shall go to the roof and think of Paris.
[he has the BEST FANTASY EVER in which he DOES many HOT dance MOVES, including dancing SEXILY in a FOUNTAIN which EJACULATES water, and WEARING a yellow BODYSUIT, that SORT of EXPLAIN his LOVE and LIFE, but is REALLY just an EXCUSE to do some BADASS dancing]
Leslie Caron: Just kidding, I came back!
[they HUG, and PRESUMABLY live FOREVER in CHARMING Parisian POVERTY]

3 comments:

Eric said...

laura...
when you have the words: fantasy, ejaculates, sexy, and badass dancing, what does that really say about you?



hehehehehehehe ;)

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

this blog is like cliff notes for movies. thanks, blog!

Angie said...

Ugh, Gene Kelley is the hottest. You're the coolest Anna, good luck with your new podcast!