Jersey Girl

[it is 1994]
Ben Affleck: I'm a cliche of a man who works too much.
Jennifer Lopez: I'm not actually in this movie that much. [DIES]
Ben Affleck: Now I have a job AND a newborn child! What will I do?
[he DISPARAGES Will Smith, his client, subsequently getting FIRED and deciding to be the BEST DAD EVER]
Ben Affleck: I will be the best dad ever.
George Carlin: I'm an old man! A hilarious, cranky old man! So hilarious! So cranky!
[seven years LATER]
Liv Tyler: So, do you rent porn a lot?
Ben Affleck: Wow, you're super hot, but I have a child, and also a dead wife.
Liv Tyler: Glad you think so. Can we have an awkward lunch to establish our alleged "chemistry" and set up our eventual get-together?
[they LUNCH and are caught TRYSTING by Affleck's DAUGHTER]
Ben Affleck: I've had enough of New Jersey, and also, apparently, of Liv Tyler. Let's move to New York City.
Daughter: But that means you don't love me!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
[she SLAMS the door and FORBIDS him from ATTENDING or PERFORMING in her SCHOOL TALENT SHOW, which we can all see will provide a BACKDROP for their eventual REUNION]
Will Smith: Kids are awesome. Yes, I'm in this movie. Whaaaaaa?
Ben Affleck: Now I understand.
[in a highly ORIGINAL move, FATE provides a scenario in which he must PHYSICALLY RUN to the school to PERFORM in the TALENT SHOW, where he portrays SWEENEY TODD to his DAUGHTER'S Mrs. Lovett]
Movie Audience: Who knew Kevin Smith was a Sondheim fan? Is he aware of the psychological implications of a child in this role?
[they live HAPPILY ever after, though probably with an ELECTRA complex and/or other LASTING psychological DAMAGE]

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