Interiors

I know, I KNOW. But he’s not actually IN it and there are no references to the Marx Brothers and the visually striking poster kept popping up on Prime, so I thought it might be interesting. But I hated it and everyone's terrible haircuts and I want those two silent, weird hours of my life back. I consider myself suitably punished for watching one of his stupid Bergman knockoffs. 

***

[it is the late 70s in a NYC that has NEVER EXISTED]

Geraldine Page: I am white.

Diane Keaton: I am also white.

Mary Beth Hurt: I join you in your whiteness.

Sam Waterston: I am also white and my hair will be whiter still someday. 

The Dad: Hello, my white family. I am leaving your mother to continue to be white elsewhere. But I will not divorce her, to keep up WASP appearances.

Geraldine Page: I am heartbroken but I will do no more than slightly grimace. 

[she STARES at some VASES]

Geraldine Page: I have brought you one of my staring vases for your home. It is not white but beige, like everything that surrounds us. Beige is the white of browns. 

Mary Beth Hurt: May I take your beige coat, mother?

Geraldine Page: No need. I will go call your sister, who I like more than you, to see how she’s doing but mostly to talk about myself.

Diane Keaton: Hello, mother. You’ve interrupted my smoking and staring out a window, dressed in a full beige outfit, including sweater, shirt, other shirt, skirt, shoes, coat, hat and shoes.* It is always dark in my home.

Geraldine Page: So dark and so meaningful. 

[they STARE at their RESPECTIVE windows and WALLS for a WHILE]

Diane Keaton: My second book of poetry is difficult to write. I have to see my analyst.

Geraldine Page: Your father left me.

[they QUIETLY HANG UP]

Diane Keaton’s Husband: My second novel is difficult to write.

Everyone: Our problems are relatable. 

[Geraldine Page GOES HOME and CAREFULLY tapes up her DOORS and WINDOWS and TURNS on the GAS and it’s a BUMMER]

Mary Beth Hurt: You attempted suicide. Let’s definitely never talk about it again.

Geraldine Page: I apologize. I felt sad and powerless, much less white than usual.

[she GOES to a CHURCH with her ESTRANGED HUSBAND]

The Dad: I want a real divorce, I think.

[she SCREAMS and KNOCKS over a BUNCH of CANDLES and it was SO LOUD cause I had the VOLUME turned up SO HIGH because all these WHITE PEOPLE can’t SPEAK above a WHISPER]

Another Sister Who Has Never Been Mentioned: I am home from being a movie star, which impresses literally none of you.

Everyone: We are so pretentious that being a movie star seems gross. 

[they GO to the FAMILY BEACH HOUSE to REMIND us that BEING WHITE/BEIGE is HARD]

The Dad: Hello, daughters and various sons-in-law. I have met a woman that, while white, is a lot more normal than your weird-ass mom.

Maureen Stapleton: HELLO EVERYONE! SO NICE TO MEET YOU! WHAT A LOVELY FAMILY! THIS DINNER IS DELICIOUS! YOUR FATHER LOVES DANCING! DO YOU LIKE MY RED DRESS?

Mary Beth Hurt + Diane Keaton aka Beige and Beiger: This is the most disgusting human being I have ever met. 

[they are SUCH BITCHES to her for NO REASON]

Maureen Stapleton: IT’S OK, DEAR, THEY ARE JUST SAD ABOUT THE DIVORCE! I’M UNDERSTANDING!

[she ACCIDENTALLY BREAKS the BEIGE vase in a SYMBOLIC GESTURE]

Mary Beth Hurt: You vulgarian! That’s right, I said it! The cruelest words a WASP could ever speak.

[this SHOCKING DISPLAY of  EMOTION sends EVERYONE to SMOKE and STARE in their RESPECTIVE rooms]

The Movie Star Sister: Hello, Diane Keaton’s husband. I’m just hanging in the garage for no reason. You seem menacingly drunk rather than just white-people silently-sulking drunk.

[he TRIES to RAPE her in SILENCE and it’s FUCKING HORRIBLE and NEVER SPOKEN OF again]

Geraldine Page: I have come to the beach house in the middle of the night to skulk around in a deranged yet dignified way.

Mary Beth Hurt: Mother, why don’t you love me? 

Geraldine Page: [LITERALY WALKS DIRECTLY INTO THE OCEAN]

Mary Beth Hurt: [SILENTLY ATTEMPTS TO SAVE HER]

Sam Waterston: [SILENTLY SAVES MARY BETH HURT]

Maureen Stapleton: [SILENTLY GIVES MBH CPR]

Mary Beth Hurt: I am alive. Mother is dead.

Diane Keaton: Yes. Let us gaze out of this window.

The Movie Star Sister: Let me get in on that.

[they STARE at NOTHING and then place WHITE ROSES on Geraldine Page’s SHINY COFFIN because even in DEATH, COLOR would be TOO VULGAR]

*I'm not kidding, every stich of clothing on these peoples' bodies was beige. This movie was brought to you by Big Beige. But it worked cause now I have like four beige sweaters in my Banana Republic cart.