I went to LA last week on a secret mission having to do with a show that rhymes with Budge Budy, which meant I got to fly from New York to Chicago and Chicago to LA. It's been a long time since I flew with a connection - not because I'm not cheap (I am) or because I'm fancy (I am not), but because a) the only place I ever fly is home and b) I almost exclusively fly home on the airline based out of my hometown of Milwaukee, so direct flights are cheap(ish). Anyway, I haven't been on a flight long enough to warrant a movie in a while, either, and on the way there it was Extraordinary Measures, which for ONE SECOND I considered watching for blog purposes, but then decided to fall asleep in an ill-advised position instead.
But I noticed that on the way back it would be this movie, and guys, I was actually looking forward to it! Veronica Mars! Will Arnett! Mr. Fergie! My boyfriend, Bobby Moynihan! And honestly? I would totally not be sad to watch this again. It has a weirdly strong supporting cast, and K. Bell is cute, and Duhamel is charming, and hey! Angelica Huston! That said, it is completely formulaic and has no surprises, except that Don Johnson is in it. OOPS SORRY SPOILER ALERT.
[it is NOT ACTUALLY ROME]
Kristen Bell: Listen up, team. I am a VERY SERIOUS art curator at the Guggenheim, which we all know is VERY FANCY AND SERIOUS, and you can tell by my tight ponytail that I am not kidding around about my job.Now, let's event the shit out of this museum.
Her Quirky Assistant: Um...your ex is here.
Her Gay Friend: The one who dumped you in a horrible way!
Her Fat Friend: Let's all remind you of how he dumped you!
Kristen Bell: Guys, I am over him, okay? He is dead to me. I am all about work and being awesome at my job. He can suck a --
Lee Pace: Hello. I'm your ex. Did you miss my dreamyness?
Kristen Bell: Swoon! I did!
Lee Pace: Well, take one last look, because I'm engaged to someone else now! YA BURNT!
Kristen Bell: Oh, the humiliation! This encounter has spurred my determination to find love, though I am hard-nosed and work-centric!
Don Johnson: You really are, my daughter. I am in this movie. What?!!
Her Sister: Oh, btw, I'm getting married! In Rome! To a dude I just met! I am your polar opposite!
Kristen Bell: What the fuuuuuuu--I will just focus more on work!
Angelica Huston: Okay, we have another fundraiser coming up, a fundraiser headed by our youngest, least experienced curator that will determine the COURSE OF HER ENTIRE CAREER.
Kristen Bell: Gulp. Also, I need a couple days off to go to my little sister's wedding.
Angelica Huston: Because I am a dire warning of what you may become if you focus solely on your career, I don't understand families, or love, but fine. Go.
[she DOES, and it is ITALIAN and WHIMSICAL]
Italian Family Member: It's-a time-a for a tradizione where the maid of honor smashes a vase into pieces to symbolize how many years of happiness the bride and-a groom will have!
Kristen Bell: Sweet! Time for me to get slapsticky, y'all!
[she TRIES to break the VASE, but FAILS]
Josh Duhamel: Pardon me. Let me assist you. My handsomeness makes me very good at breaking vases.
[they GAZE at each other so you can tell that they are MEANT FOR EACH OTHER]
Kristen Bell: Perhaps love isn't so hard to find! Perhaps I can find a man, though I love my job! Perhaps --
[she sees him SMOOCHING a HOT BRUNETTE]
Kristen Bell: Nooooo! The guy I just met like an hour ago is kissing someone else!! My life is over! I'm going to get drunk and get in the fountain that is like the Trevi Fountain, but is not actually the Trevi Fountain!
[she DOES, and picks up some COINS that LOVESICK PEOPLE have thrown in there]
Kristen Bell: Thass right. I'ma save you from love. You're all shtupid. And you're all men, which, statistically, doesn't make sense, but we can't have any weird lesbian shit going on, right?
[she goes back to NEW YORK, where SOMEHOW all the coin-throwers ALSO LIVE because that is SUPER-PROBABLE]
Dax Shepherd: Hi. I'm your real boyfriend. Does anyone know me from anything except being your real boyfriend? Are we even dating anymore? I'm so tall, and you're so tiny. Anyway, I'm in love with you.
Napoleon Dynamite: God, stop calling me Napoleon Dynamite! That movie was like six years ago. Now I'm a Criss Angel/David Blaine mashup who's in love with you.
Will Arnett: And I'm-a an Italian-a stereotype-a! Come back, bella!
Danny Devito: I'm a sausage magnate. That's not, like, a euphemism, I am like the Abe Froman of this movie. I am also in love with you.
Kristen Bell: Why do all these men love me?!?!
Her Sister: It's the magic of the fountain! You picked up their coins and now they all love you! You have to put the coins back in the fountain!
Kristen Bell: Oh, so I can just mail them to you, since you're in Italy!
Her Sister's Italian Husband: No! That is not enough obstacles! And will cause the hijinks to end earlier! She must put them in the fountain herself! She must come to Italy! MORE HIJINKS!!
Kristen Bell: I DON'T HAVE TIME BECAUSE I AM BUSY WITH WORK BECAUSE I LOVE WORK AND I HATE LOVE.
Josh Duhamel: But now I'm here. I wasn't into that brunette earlier. I'm into you.
Kristen Bell: Oh. Well. You're very charming.
[there is a CHARM MONTAGE, and Josh Duhamel RUNS INTO something]
Josh Duhamel: That's a running gag, because I got hit by lightning one time! I'm kind of famous for it. That will come into play later, DO NOT DOUBT IT.
[some HIJINKS occur]
Bobby Moynihan: Hijinks! My favorite!
Josh Duhamel: Let's go to a pitch-black restaurant. It's so New York!!
Kristen Schaal: I'm a weird server! I always play weird people! Yay!! Individuality!
Kristen Bell: Oh shit! I think this guy likes me because of the Fountain Spell! I will sabotage this relationship too!!
[meanwhile, she is being CHASED by the SUITORS and her WORK is possibly being THREATENED]
Her Sister's Italian Husband: Oh wait, you can just give the coins back to the guys they belong to and then they won't love you anymore.
Her Quirky Assistant: Sorry, boss, I'm going to help you somehow by taking the coins and not letting you return them yet. I'm not really sure why this is a good plan.
[there is a GAG with a TINY CAR and everyone ends up at the GUGGENHEIM]
Josh Duhamel: I love her! I must run! In the rain! And the lightning! Which is especially scary because of how I once got hit by lightning!!
Kristen Bell: Everyone take your damn coins back!
[she gives them ALL their coins and the LOVE SPELL is reversed]
Josh Duhamel: Dude, this is not my poker chip, I told you, I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU.
Kristen Bell: Oh! Sweet! Let's get married!
[they DO, in SIX MONTHS]
Napoleon Dynamite: Wait! I think I have the poker chip of your soon-to-be husband!!
Kristen Bell: Oh no! The last six months...were a lie!!!!
[there is a LOVE CRISIS, but K. Bell learns a LESSON]
Josh Duhamel: YO I TOLD YOU THIS IS NOT A SPELL, I DID NOT THROW A COIN IN THAT FOUNTAIN. The priest won a bunch of poker chips from me, so he is the one who was in love with you. And now it's reversed! Let's get married!!