Thank you to my lovely friend Charlie for the chance to see this movie a) for free, b) before it was officially released and c) in a packed, huge theater full of people who were REALLY EXCITED about it. That is the best possible way to see a movie, in my opinion.
[it is the END of the FIRST MOVIE]
Robert Downey Jr.: And, blah blah, blah, I am Iron Man.
Mickey Rourke: Nyet. He has stolen all this technology from my father, who just died and basically told me to avenge him, kind of, on his deathbed. Come, my beloved cockatoo. Let us build a suit to rival Tony Stark's.
[there is a BUILDING THINGS montage]
Mickey Rourke: [Russian chuckle]
[meanwhile, six months LATER in QUEENS]
Tony Stark: Welcome to the Stark Expo!! Do you like my sexy Iron Man dancers? I banged all of 'em. Yeahhhhhh I'm Tony Staaaaaaaaaarrrrk! But on a more serious note, here's a video of my father, Roger Sterling, explaining how we're going to make the future better.
[he checks his BLOOD TOXICITY and it is GETTING WORSE]
Robert Downey Jr.: I will hide my pain and cover it with sexy, sexy banter. But first, I guess I have to go to a senate hearing?
Garry Shandling: Tony Stark, you say you have created peace, but really you have created a weapon! And we want it! Also my face looks like a fish, but that's beside the point.
Robert Downey Jr.: You can never have my weapon, because I am my weapon!! That is not a double entendre!
Don Cheadle: It's...kind of a dangerous weapon, though, dude. Not that I want to betray you or anything.
Sam Rockwell: Boo hoo, I want to make weapons too! But I suck at it, relative to Tony Stark. Also, my name is Justin Hammer. What a retarded name.
[meanwhile, at Stark's KICKIN' PAD]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Tony! Tony! TONY! I'm really worried about you, as usual, and about the company, as usual, and my outfit is classic and sleek and amazing, as usual, and somehow I make these weird bangs look good, as usual.
RDJ: Well, worry no more, babycakes, I'm making you CEO!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Um...ok! I hope this won't affect our sexy banter, though.
RDJ: Psh, no way.
[meanwhile, in a DANK RUSSIAN PLACE]
Mickey Rourke: Tony Stark will paaaaaaaaaaaayyy! Wodkaaaaaa!!
[meanwhile, in Tony's BOXING RING]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Tony, I've brought you an extremely foxy notary.
Scarlett Johansson: It's okay to stare. I know my body is bangin'.
Jon Favreau: Daaaaaaaaaaaamn! Here, let me teach you to box.
[she TAKES him DOWN and it is HILARIOUS because she is a SEXY LADY and he is a BIG MAN]
Tony Stark: Yes, please.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh, you!
[everyone goes to MONACO for a RACE because that is what VERY RICH PEOPLE do]
Sam Rockwell: Oh hey man, check it out, I'm super cool now because I have a Vanity Fair article coming out on me soon and I'm totally gonna be cooler than you in my three-piece suits and hot nerd glasses, so suck on that, Stark!
RDJ: Well, I have a racecar. That I'm gonna drive. Recklessly. Because I am dying of secret poison blood.
[he SUITS UP because he DOES NOT FEAR DEATH]
Mickey Rourke: Porfect.
[he just fucking STROLLS on to the racetrack and everyone is like WHAT but then they are like OH SHIT because he has WHIPS made of fucking LIGHTNING or some shit]
Gwyneth Paltrow: He is clearly after my lover. I mean boss. I mean former boss. Shit, just get in the car.
[there are SWEET SWEET EXPLOSIONS and eventually Jon Favreau HITS Mickey Rourke with his CAR]
RDJ: Now I will suit up and we will battle! And it will be super awesome!!
[it IS, pretty much]
Gendarmes: Come wiz us, monsieur, you are under arrest pour...well, you know what you did, we all saw it.
Mickey Rourke: Your prisons will never hold me!
[they do NOT, but only because he has some HELP in the form of a FAKED DEATH]
Sam Rockwell: Well, hello! Welcome to my pristine airplane hangar! Would you like some salmon carpaccio after your prison stay? I will also give you a skajillion dollars to help me develop something to rival Tony Stark's Iron Man suit.
Mickey Rourke: Da, I will help you, but I want my bord.*
Sam Rockwell: Uh, cool, man, I'm on it, now let's make some fuckin' soldier suits!
[meanwhile, at Tony Stark's BIRTHDAY PARTY]
RDJ: I'm drunk and in the Iron Man suit woooooooooooo! This is a great use of a superweapon yeaaaaaaaahhhh!! Throw some more shit up in the air for me to shoot at!
Don Cheadle: Oh, hell no.
[he gets in ANOTHER SUIT and they have an EPIC FUCKING BATTLE]
Don Cheadle: Sorry, man...I gotta take this with me and betray you to the US government, and also your rival, Justin Hammer.
RDJ: Everyone hates me!! I'm just gonna go eat fuckin' donuts in that iconic big donut.
Sam Jackson: Get your motherfuckin' donuts off of that motherfuckin' donut!
Scarlett Johansson: Hey. We're from SHIELD. We've been monitoring you.
Sam Jackson: You got to shape. The fuck. Up, son! We need you! Here's a bunch of your dad's old shit, maybe you can use it to figure out how to not be dying anymore.
RDJ: Um, my dad kind of hated me? So this is going to be really emotional? Ugh, whatever.
[he watches some OUTTAKES from his dad's REEL-TO-REEL MOVIES]
Roger Sterling: Son, my greatest creation was, and always will be, you.*
Me: [mild weeping in a theater full of Marvel employees]
RDJ: Oh shit! It says on this map of Flushing Meadows "The Key to the Future is Here." This is one of those "there's always money in the banana stand" moments, isn't it?! This is a double meaning.
[he uses his RETARDEDLY AMAZING COMPUTER to figure out that his dad hid a fucking ATOMIC STRUCTURE in the map of QUEENS]
JARVIS: Congratulations, sir. You have discovered a new element.*
[he builds a CONTRAPTION involving MANY PIPES and a BEAM OF LIGHT and CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SHIELD to synthesize his element]
RDJ: Yes! Now I'm not gonna die from secret blood poison! Let's see if this shit works...
[he PLUGS it into his BODY]
[meanwhile, at the HEADQUARTERS of HAMMER INDUSTRIES]
Sam Rockwell: Hey, Russian! Where's my technology?
Mickey Rourke: Is not finished, can make salute only.
Sam Rockwell: What? Okay, henchmen, take his bird. Yeah. Yeah, and take his pillows. And his shoes. Hey. I just took all your stuff. How's that feel, huh? Bad, right? THAT'S HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.*
Mickey Rourke: Will not make drones work, sorry.
Sam Rockwell: Well, it's all good, bro, because I got some Stark technology up in here, paid for with the betrayal of his best buddy. So you can just chill out. I got an expo to go to.
[obvs he KILLS the HENCHMEN and takes his BIRD back]
Mickey Rourke: Hello. I am not dead, Tony.
RDJ: What the - trace the call!
Call Trace Computer: The call is coming from one of the five boroughs of New York City.
RDJ: Oh hell no - he's in fucking Queens!! JUSTIN HAMMER!!!!
[meanwhile, on the MAINSTAGE at the EXPO]
Sam Rockwell: Hey guys, sorry I don't have the charisma of Tony Stark. But check it - I got drones! They don't work yet, but I also have an Iron Man suit! His best friend is operating it under orders from the US military! BOOYA!
Don Cheadle: Ugh, I feel terrible.
RDJ: Oh hey guys, um...so I'm pretty sure that Russian guy is not dead and also he is planning to fuck this expo UP. We need to get out of here.
[the DRONES activate and start FUCKING SHIT UP]
RDJ: Too late.
[there is a CRAZY DRONE BATTLE and it is fucking COOL as SHIT]
Don Cheadle: I can't control my own suit! Nooooo! I don't want to kill you, Tony!
Gwyneth Paltrow: This is a PR nightmare!!
Scarlett Johansson: Time to put this amazing booty to use.
[she goes to HAMMER INDUSTRIES and fucking DOMINATES all the henchmen while Jon Favreau fights ONE MEASLY DUDE]
Scarlett Johansson: I have used technology and also my enviable body to win this situation, and my lack of acting talent didn't even get in my way. Though my huge tits almost did. Drink it in, nerds.
RDJ: Okay, awesome, now that Foxy Operative has rebooted your suit, we can fight the drones together, friend who betrayed me, but it’s kind of okay because I totally get why you did it.
Don Cheadle: Sweet.
[there is, OBVIOUSLY, another SWEET SWEET BATTLE]
Mickey Rourke: I have come to say dosvydanya to you.
[RDJ and Don Cheadle EXPLODE him]
All the Drones: eepBeep! We are going to explode!!
RDJ: Shit! I must save my lady love! I mean secretary! I mean boss! I mean…shit!
[he FLIES in and SAVES Gwyneth and takes her to a ROOFTOP in QUEENS with EXPLOSIONS in the background]
Gwyneth Paltrow: I always hoped our first kiss would be on a rooftop in Queens with explosions in the background.
RDJ: Well, come here, then.
[they FINALLY kiss and you are like THANK GOD because she needed to be HITTING THAT]
Don Cheadle: I’m keepin’ the suit, buddy! PEACE.
Garry Shandling: Oh no! Irony! Now I have to give them medals!
Sam Jackson: So…we kind of want the Iron Man suit in our little organization, but we don’t really want you. So I’m not real sure how that’s gonna work out. We can figure it out in the next movie.
Agent Coulson: But guys…the next movie is Thor. I just found his hammer in the desert.
Marvel: OH SNAP CHECK OUT OUR SWEET CONTINUITY BITCHESSSSS