11.20.2009

The Twilight Saga: New Moon


[it is a DREAM MEADOW]
Kristen Stewart: Ugh. This dream is lame. Is that my grandma over there? Wait a minute...it's me! As an old lady! With my hot vampire boyfriend who will always be young and beautiful, so beautiful that I will never have the words to describe it because I am bad with words.
R. Patts: Hey. Remember me? And how I sparkle in the sunlight? (Gay.) I'm super hot, but super pale, and super never open my mouth, which is apparently full of marbles. That is all.
[she AWAKENS to realize it is her BIRTHDAY, and she is now "OLDER" than her VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND, which is TERRIFYING, though she is only 18]
Kristen Stewart: Whyyyyyyy please just change me into a vampire please please please! I'm going to repeat this extensively, so just get used to it now.
R. Patts: Babe? Can you hang on? I'm kinda busy walking in slo-mo across the windy parking lot. The better to display my hottttttnesssss, which is actually not that hott.
Kristen Stewart: Ugh, fine. I'll just go talk to my racially diverse group of friends that I never hang out with.
The Asian Guy: We don't know what happened to the black guy! Dang!
Taylor "Jailbait" Lautner: Hey Bella. I brought you a present from the Trite Native American Stereotype Store. That's also where I got my wig.
[he tosses his TERRIBLE WIG]
R. Patts: ARE YOU TALKING TO MY GIRLFRIEND STEP OFF DUDE
Taylor "Inappropriate Thoughts" Lautner: Hey, settle down. I'm just your girlfriend's really, really close friend who she never sees ever? We're basically best buds. But we never hang out.
Kristen Stewart: [mumbles something without EVER OPENING HER MOUTH]
R. Patts: I love to hear your lovely voice, my darling. Oh, and just so we get this out of the way: there is a vampire, like, congress thing in Italy that upholds our laws, and they will kill anyone who breaks them. That was my Suicide Plan B if I couldn't save you from the vampire that was hunting you in the last movie. Okay, setup done.
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: I got you a present! But I'm psychic, so I already know you love it! Also, I know you hate parties, but I'm throwing you one anyway! You can't resist me because I am too cute and chipper and have adorable hair!!
Kristen Stewart: Ugh. Fine.
[she goes to the vampires' SUMPTUOUS HOUSE, where they give her MANY PRESENTS]
Jasper, the Lacking-in-Self-Control Vampire: Hello, Bella. I would wish you a happy birthday, but I'm having trouble controlling my thirst for human blood. I tried to sate it by looking really gay, but it didn't work.
[Bella CUTS HERSELF on a CD case, you know, as you do, and there is a VAMPIRE THROWDOWN]
Mr. Kelly Taylor, the Dad Vampire: Don't mind him and his murderous rage. He just wants to drink your blood. No bigs! Let's get you stitched up. Also here is some more exposition about those Italy vampires. They are kind of bad. That's about it.
Kristen Stewart: K.
[the next OVERCAST DAY]
R. Patts: Look, can we go talk in the forest?
Kristen Stewart: The forest? This must be serious. That is where we went to discuss how you are a vampire.
R. Patts: My family and I are moving. I'm breaking up with you. But I cannot look at you, as it would betray the fact that I cannot act.
Kristen Stewart: You're breaking up with me? You're leaving me? I am really sad about this, though my dead eyes will never show it.
R. Patts: Yes, I am leaving. Now that we have repeated that point the contractually-obligated three times, I'll go. You stay here in the forest, since that's safe.
Kristen Stewart: I guess I'll just wander aimlessly for a while in the forest and then lay down. That's a thing, right? After a breakup, ladies be eating Ben and Jerry's and laying in the woods!
[a HUGE-ASS WOLF rescues her, but it is actually a DUDE in the FORM of a WOLF]
Charlie, the Sheriff Dad: Oh! My daughter is back. Thanks, shirtless Indian.
Kristen Stewart: My life is...over.
[there is the LONGEST PASSAGE-OF-TIME MONTAGE ever]
Fritzi from Camp: God, you're so depressing! I don't even know why we hang out with you. But yeah, let's go to a movie or whatever.
[they GO, and Bella picks up some BIKERS in a PARKING LOT because she wants an ADRENALINE RUSH to FORGET her TROUBLES]
Disembodied Head of R. Patts: Bella. Be safe. Don't be stupid, Bella, though I guess being stupid is kind of intrinsic to your nature. Listen to me, the poor CGI mirage.
Kristen Stewart: I am so codependent that I will do anything just to see his mirage!! If that means extreme sports, so be it! I'm gonna find some dirt bikes and fix them up with my really super-close friend Jacob!
Taylor "Six-Pack" Lautner: You're here to hang out with me and my wig! Awesome! Let's fix some bikes...and also develop our relationship through some sort of vaguely indie song.
[there is a BIKE-FIXING and FRIENDSHIP-BUILDING MONTAGE]
Kristen Stewart: Well, now that the bikes are fixed, I can test my theory that exxxxtreme sports will allow me to see my mirage boyfriend!
[she tries to RIDE AWAY from the FIGMENT of her IMAGINATION, which is kind of like RUNNING from COLD, but instead she HITS a ROCK]
Taylor "I Hate Shirts" Lautner: Oh my god! Bella! You're bleeding. Here, let me remove my shirt and apply pressure to your head.
Kristen Stewart: Daaaaaaaaang, dude, you got a rockin' bod.
[the two of them go on an awkward "DATE" with Mike Newton to FACEPUNCH, which is a totally hilarious fake movie name]
Mike Newton: Wow, I feel sick. And like I might be a baby Nathan Fillion. But mostly sick.
Taylor "Gun Show" Lautner: AAAAGGGHHH I AM ENRAGED FOR NO REASON AND NOW WE ARE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE
Kristen Stewart: Fine! Whatever, I'm going for a walk in the woods, because that always ends well for me.
[she goes to the DREAM MEADOW from before, but it is BROWN and DEAD instead of GLORIOUS and GREEN]
Kristen Stewart: This meadow is too metaphorical!! Why can't I regain the joy I had when I first saw my sparkling Edward here? So glittery...so...glittery...
French Black Dude Vampire: Hello, Bella. Where are your vampire friends? If they're not protecting you anymore, you should probably look out, since Victoria, the crazy vampire with the orange hair, is seeking vengeance on Edward for killing her mate, so she's gonna kill you. Everyone got that? Good.
[he strokes his DREADLOCKS and displays his BARE CHEST under a BLAZER]
French Black Dude Vampire: You know, I think I'll just kill you myself. You like shirtless fellows, no?
[some HUGE FUCKING WOLVES show up and there is a NOT-TERRIBLY-EXCITING fight]
Kristen Stewart: What the? Wolves? Is this related to why my best bud isn't calling me anymore? I must go confront him...in the rain!!
Taylor "Baby Oil" Lautner: Sup. I'm just hanging out in the rain, shirtless. I cut my hair and I'm done with shirts now. No shirt, no shoes, no problem, that's my new philosophy.
Kristen Stewart: What the fuck, dude?
Taylor "JK Livin" Lautner: Is it cool if I do some HARDCORE PARKOUR up to your roof? I just...really need to talk to you. But I can't tell you what's going on.
Kristen Stewart: Tell me what's going on!!
Taylor "Daaaaamn how are you 17" Lautner: I literally...........................................can't.*
Kristen Stewart: Oh, I bet I know what it is, though. Because I've so totally proven my powers of...uh...figuring stuff out. You're a werewolf. Great.
Taylor "Caramel Cream" Lautner: Look, it's not like this is a lifestyle choice. It's not like I'm a gay person or something, who totally chooses filthy buttsex. I was born this way. And I was also born shirtless.
Kristen Stewart: Oh. Cool. Well, let's go hang with your "pack."
[she learns that ALL WEREWOLVES HATE SHIRTS and are HOT but have semi-weird looking FACES but are still PRETTY HOT]
Kristen Stewart: Yeah, I still miss my vampire boyfriend. Can't you see the pain on my face???
Anyone: No.
Kristen Stewart: Fine, I'm just gonna go cliff diving.
[her CLIFF DIVING makes Alice, the PSYCHIC, think she has KILLED HERSELF and then there are SHENANIGANS that basically end with EDWARD trying to PROVOKE the VOLTURI because he thinks she is DEAD]
Kristen Stewart: Shit, we better go to Italy and stop him. This is too much like Romeo and Juliet...and not in a good way!
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: I'll grab my jaunty scarf, gloves, and sunglasses, and we'll be on our way!
[they drive a YELLOW PORSCHE through the countryside, because that is REALLY INCONSPICUOUS]
Alice: You need to run through this festival to stop Edward from exposing his disco ball skin!! Go!
[she runs for, like, EVER, in slo-mo, because this movie is NOT QUITE LONG ENOUGH]
R. Patts: Oh. Hey. Are we dead? Awesome.
Dakota Fanning: No, but you're about to be. Come with me.
[they go to the VAMPIRE CONGRESS PLACE]
Michael Sheen: Well. Hello. I'm still attractive even with these blood-red contacts in. How about that?
[they have a LONG CONVO that basically ends with a VAMPIRE FIGHT which is MODERATELY COOL]
Michael Sheen: ...and the next time we see you, we want that human mate of yours to be a vampire! Her supernatural shield talents are too good to be wasted!
Dakota Fanning: I couldn't even hurt her with my mind bullets!!
R. Patts: Okay, fine, we'll make her a vampire.
Kristen Stewart: Yessssss. I am really excited about that. Can't you tell...from my acting?
R. Patts: Don't get too excited...because before I make you a vampire...we have to get married.
Stephenie Meyer: Mormons! [jazz hands]

12 comments:

Miss T said...

Best. Recap. Ever.

raych said...

I peed myself a little bit. Don't tell.

Steph said...

yeah, i think this is your best ever, too. you make me want to see the movie. with you. and wine.

Evin said...

Totally JK Livin'.

Kinslerbot said...

absolute best review, ever.

Jazz Hands.

Emily said...

!!!

Sara said...

Brilliant.

SnazzyGina said...

LOVED.EVERY.WORD. LOLZ ALL OVAH!

Movie Maven said...

You guys are too much.

Ky said...

Holy crap, that was so funny, I think I had an asthma attack.

Kate said...

Watching this right now...can I just ask: why is Dakota Fanning's make up and hair so, so bad? I mean, even worse than everyone else's?

Movie Maven said...

They had to do something to bring her down to everyone else's level, acting-wise, so they gave her the worst hair.