Project X

[it is THE JUNGLE]
Virgil: La, la, I am a happy little ape! And I love being in the jungle!
[he gets CAPTURED and SOLD and taken to the UNIVERSITY of WISCONSIN]
Helen Hunt: I shall teach you to communicate while wearing the biggest, baggiest, most 80s buttondown shirt in the world, my new ape friend.
[he LEARNS, slowly but surely, and knows SIGN LANGUAGE eventually]
Virgil: Help. Fly.
Helen Hunt: Help fly? That's weird. You're a primate. Primates don't fly! Oh well. Let's learn some more things.
Jean Smart: I'm sorry, there'll be no more learning here, at least for this monkey. Your funding's been cut.
Helen Hunt: Noooooooooooooooooo! And chimps are apes, not monkeys.
[meanwhile, in a MILITARY JAIL]
Exposition-Providing Character: So, Jimmy, now that you're in jail for stealing an Air Force plane and taking your girlfriend up in it, what are you gonna do?
Matthew Broderick: I'm not sure...but I sure hope I'll get to fly again.
EPC: Ha ha! You're grounded forever, fool.
[he gets ASSIGNED to an EXPERIMENT with the CHIMPS]
Weirdo In-Charge Guy: Watch out! These apes is strong! You can handle this little 'un here.
Virgil: Out.
Matthew Broderick: He seems to be making gestures with his hands. It must be sign language! This monkey is super smart!
The Guy Who Played Death in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey: I'm sorry, but they're just chimps. And you're being punished. So...stop talking.
[the CHIMPS learn to FLY and Virgil is GOOD because he is SMART]
Matthew Broderick: Hey, what happens when the chimps get taken away and never come back? Surely, they're not killed for research purposes?
Black Dude: Don't ask too many questions, son.
[Matthew Broderick gets a PROMOTION and finds out the TRUTH and is HORRIFIED]
Matthew Broderick: So you irradiate the chimps to see if human pilots will be able to fly after being nuked? This experiment seems really unnecessary. Plus, I've gotten to know all the chimps! There's Goliath, who loves cigarettes, and Ginger, Virgil's girlfriend! And all the rest!
Death: Listen, kid, just follow orders and no one will get hurt. Well, except the chimps, obviously. Them we kill. Go get Bluebeard so we can kill him for science.
[Virgil ESCAPES from his CAGE and FIGURES OUT that the chimps get DEAD]
Virgil: [primal scream]
Other Chimps: We hear you, man.
Matthew Broderick: Oh shit! Virgil really is really smart! I better call this woman I found in his file and let her know that he's going to be killed.
Helen Hunt: What? No! This is all wrong! I'm coming down there. Who is this?
Matthew Broderick: I can't tell you, or they'll nail my ass to the wall.*
Helen Hunt: I will find you anyway.
[she HANGS OUT in the MILITARY BAR until she HEARS]
Matthew Broderick: I'll nail your ass to the wall...TO THE WALL!*
Helen Hunt: He used the same phrasing as that guy on the phone. It must be the same dude!
Matthew Broderick: Get out of here! You're gonna get me in more trouble!
Death: Okay, Virgil has graduated. Take him to the death chamber...I mean radiation room...I mean...uh...virtual...experiment...thing...you know what I mean.
Matthew Broderick: Nooooooooooooooooooo! He's too smaaaaaaaart! Don't kill him!!
Military Dudes: This has interrupted our science demonstration. Let's wait until morning to kill this weirdly smart little primate.
Matthew Broderick: Shit, I better find that cute science chick with all the baggy shirts.
[he SOMEHOW does]
Helen Hunt: I'm taking this straight to Washington!
Matthew Broderick: There's no time! We have to save Virgil now!!
[they BREAK IN to the BASE and find that the CHIMPS have escaped on their OWN because HELLO they are like MAD SMART]
Death: Chimps everywhere!!!
[the chimps ACCIDENTALLY enable the NUCLEAR REACTOR and it gets STUCK and they almost have a MELTDOWN but the CIGARETTE-SMOKING monkey SAVES them all]
Matthew Broderick: Okay, we're still in trouble. I'll throw my leather jacket over this barbed-wire fence and we'll escape by stealing a plane! They'll never find us if we--oh.
Military Police: Get out of the plane! You can't trick us again, you trickster!
Virgil: Fly?
Helen Hunt: Fly.
[the CHIMPS fly away in the PLANE and it is AWESOME]
Death: Well, I guess they all died in the crash.
Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt: Riiiiiight...died.
[they GAZE at the CHIMPS in the EVERGLADES and sign "FREE" to them]

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...