I Know Who Killed Me

[it is A STRIP CLUB]
Lindsay Lohan: [DANCES, exotically, but POORLY]
[it is a CLASSROOM]
Lindsay Lohan: ...and that's the short story I wrote about a stripper who had a crackhead for a mom.
Lindsay Lohan's Super Creepy Piano Teacher: You are so talented, my student! Watch my right hand, the one with the big blue ring on it.
Lindsay Lohan: I really just want to focus on writing now. I mean...my stories are, like, WAY GOOD. Also, I will be wearing exclusively blue clothing in this role.
News Report: Some girl got killed! We think it's a serial killer! Though there is only one murder! SENSATIONALISM!
[there is a BIZARRELY SHOT football game]
Football Announcer: Let's have a moment of silence for that girl who got killed. [they DO] Okay, now let's win this one for her!!*
Crowd: Wooooooooooo!! Memorial football victory woooooooooo!!
[Lindsay Lohan and her FRIENDS get SEPARATED somehow and she straight up DISAPPEARS]
Lindsay Lohan: [GAGGED screaming while STRAPPED to a TABLE]
[a DARK BLUE FIGURE puts DRY ICE on her hand so it gets all GROSS and turns BLACK and it is MAD GRAPHIC]
Some Woman: La, la, la, I'm driving along - whoaaaaa!
[she CRASHES and sees a BODY on the side of the ROAD that turns out to be LiLo...OR DOES IT??]
Julia Ormond: Bonjour. I am, how you say...slumming in zis movie. I am so glad to see you alive, my daughter.
Lindsay Lohan: I'm not your daughter. FUCK YOU. Hold up - is my ARM gone? And my LEG? Oh hell no. Fuck this. Motherfuck.
Her Dad: But you are our daughter!
Lindsay Lohan: The fuck I am!! I'm a stripper named Dakota. I don't know how my arm and leg got amputated, because it basically just happened fucking spontaneously.
[there are MANY FLASHBACKS to the STRIP CLUB, where Lindsay dances NEAR a POLE but does not actually POLE DANCE, and also to her DIGITS and LIMBS getting GANGRENOUS and FALLING OFF for no reason]
Physical Therapist: Here is your new bionic arm and leg. You can tell I am a good guy by my bright yellow coat. Colors are meaningful.
Julia Ormond: No, you are our daughter. How else could these wounds be explained? I mean, we know our daughter was abducted by the serial killer, though we have no real evidence of that, actually. Come on home.
[she goes HOME with them and wears ONLY RED CLOTHES to signify her DIFFERENCE from the EARLIER LiLo]
LiLo's Boyfriend: It's me...your boyfriend. I brought you these blue roses. Look at how meaningful they are.
Lindsay Lohan: My boyfriend, huh? You don't get it - I'M NOT HER. Want me to prove it? FINE, you fucker.
[she FUCKS him in a LOUD, GRATUITOUS fashion while Julia Ormond FRANTICALLY SCRUBS an already-clean SINK in the kitchen BELOW]
Lindsay Lohan: Would she have fucked you like that?*
LiLo's Boyfriend:
[she goes to SLEEP but is constantly waking up in COPIOUS POOLS of BLOOD]
Lindsay Lohan: Hmmm. Maybe I'll smoke a fucking cigarette in this blue, blue room and take a look at "my" computer, a reliable model from the Apple Corporation. I'll just use ask.com to look up "bleeding wounds unexplained."
[she finds a WEBSITE about STIGMATA, and also STIGMATIC TWINS, which is NOT a real thing]
Lindsay Lohan: Oh, I get it now!! The real daughter is my twin sister from whom I was separated at birth, and since we are stigmatic twins, everything that happens to her, also happens to me!
Julia Ormond: That is not possible, cherie. Look, I have a video of the ultrasound of you in my womb.
Lindsay Lohan: Oh. Well, that is easily explained away by noting that my crackhead mother received money in the mail with a postmark from your town. Obviously, this means that your actual baby died in the incubator after she was born and your husband bought a baby from the crackhead and paid her for it over the years.
LiLo's Dad: You got me, you scamp!
[they go to the GRAVEYARD, where they DISCOVER that the PIANO TEACHER also taught the DEAD GIRL]
Lindsay Lohan: Of course! They had the same piano teacher! And they both decided to quit piano! So he killed them as revenge! It's so SIMPLE!!
LiLo's Dad: You figure out the extremely convoluted murder yet, hon?
Lindsay Lohan: I know who killed me.* I'm having trouble breathing, though...I think my stigmatic twin has been buried alive!!
[they go to the PIANO TEACHER'S house to CONFRONT him and the dad gets KILLED but then LiLo STABS the dude with a blue GLASS KNIFE]
Lindsay Lohan: Now to find my sister!
[she FINDS the blue GLASS COFFIN in the WOODS with her TWIN RADAR and DIGS up the OTHER LiLo, SHATTERING the coffin with her BIONIC HAND]
The Two Linday Lohans: Let's lay in the woods and be sisters.


John A said...

Good god, this sounds even worse than I could have pictured.

I may have to score some rock and rent this to get the full experience.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

That is effed.

Also, this movie has the worst title of any movie ever.

Laura said...

I saw this movie at the Brew 'n View (it was a double feature with the movie about the evil hotel room). I was PRETTY wasted, so now I think I might have to see this again. I forgot how cracked out it was.