I kind of can't believe I haven't done this yet. I've seen it a LOT of times, but the most notable time I remember is at one of my birthday parties in middle school, where one of the girls had a black labrador, and a black labrador gets eaten in the movie, and she like COULD NOT HANDLE IT. Eat a bunch of humans? Fine. Eat the dog? NO WAY.
Sexy Teens: Casual sex is awesome! Certainly the universe will not punish us for the sin of fornication in some grotesque manner!
[the girl gets EATEN by a SHARK]
Roy Scheider: I'm too hardboiled for this pansy-ass island sheriff work. But I'm glad I was able to move my family away from New York City.
Deputy: Sir, we found a severed hand on the beach.
Roy Scheider: Yesssss. Wait, no. This is terrible. We need to close the beach!
Mayor: HAHAHA. We don't close beaches on Amity Island! We open them! Always! THERE ARE NO SHARKS HERE. We don't even have signs that say "Beach Closed." That is how laughable the idea of closing the beaches is.
Roy Scheider: Fine, then I'll make some signs.
[he literally CRAFTS some SIGNS]
Medical Examiner: It was a boating accident. Really.
Townspeople: REALLY.
Roy Scheider: But...there's a shark, guys. Like, a HUGE shark.
Mayor: You yell "shark," and we got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of Ju-ly.*
Roy Scheider: Okay. We'll keep the beach open. But I really don't like it.
[everyone goes to the BEACH and a DOG and a BOY get EATEN because HELLO there's a SHARK]
Mayor: Ohhhhhhkay, we're closing the beaches.
Crazy Fisherman: [scrapes his NAILS against the CHALKBOARD because he is GRIZZLED] I'll ketch yer shark. For $10,000!!
Mayor: HA. Right. Get lost.
[some RANDOMS catch a LITTLE SHARK because there is a $3,000 BOUNTY on its HEAD]
Townspeople: Hooray!
Richard Dreyfuss: I don't want to seem too intellectual, you guys, but, I mean, I am a respected oceanographer, and, well, I, well, I don't think this is the shark.
Roy Scheider: Shit.
[they OPEN the LITTLE SHARK and find NO HUMAN REMAINS, but they do find a LICENSE PLATE]
Richard Dreyfuss: Now do you believe me?!!
Mayor: Look, it's the fucking Fourth of July. The beaches will stay open.
[they DO, but the SHARK comes BACK and eats Roy Scheider's SON'S TEACHER]
Crazy Fisherman: Yar. Now ye need me. For our sheriff is afraid of the water, and our shark expert be a pansy.
[they get a BOAT and go out on the WATER, where they FINALLY see the SHARK and it is FUCKING HUGE]
Roy Scheider: You're gonna need a bigger boat.*
[they get WASTED and SING]
Crazy Fisherman: Okay, seriously, let's catch us a shark.
[they TRY some stuff and none of it WORKS because this SHARK is HUGE]
Richard Dreyfuss: I'll go in the water and poison it!
[he ALMOST gets EATEN]
Crazy Fisherman: I'll stab it with part of the boat!
[he DOES get EATEN]
Roy Scheider: I'll blow it up with this oxygen tank!
[he DOES and it RULES]
Richard Dreyfuss: Hey, I'm not dead!
Roy Scheider: Hooray!
[they SWIM to SHORE]

1 comment:

schmidt's confectionery said...

cracked out canadian musical theatre writers/performers:0