10.15.2008

Classic Musicals Week: West Side Story


[it is HELL'S KITCHEN]
Jets: We are the Jets! It is super awesome to be a Jet!
Sharks: We are the Sharks! It is also super awesome to be a Shark!
[they DANCE, though they are supposedly STREET THUGS]
Riff: We are so gonna kick the Sharks' asses!!
Bernardo: Mira, we are going to kick the Jets' asses!!
Tony: Whatevs, y'all. I am not interested in fighting. But I can sense...that "something's coming."
[meanwhile, in SHARKS TURF]
Natalie Wood: Why is my life so boring?
Rita Moreno: Well, maybe something will happen at the dance tonight!
[something DOES...something AMAZING]
Tony: Hello. I love you.
Natalie Wood: Hello. I also love you.
[they DANCE but are SEPARATED because they are on OPPOSITE SIDES]
Tony: I can't get this girl out of my head! Her name is..."MARIA."
[he REPEATS her name, like, A MILLION TIMES]
Bernardo: Don't you see that culo again, hermana!
Rita Moreno: Leave this chica alone! "America" is a great place! And so are the people in it!
[the girls SASS the boys in SONG and DANCE]
Tony: Hey! Maria! I'm down here! And you're on a balcony! Has everyone figured out the literary allusion at this point? Good. Because "tonight" is gonna be awesome!
[meanwhile, on a STREET or an ALLEY of some kind]
Officer Krupke: You punks settle down!!
The Jets: "Gee, Officer Krupke," you sure have a stick up your ass! Here's a charm song to entertain everyone.
[meanwhile, at a BRIDAL SHOP]
Natalie Wood: Oh, boy, do "I feel pretty"! Surely nothing bad could come of the fact that my brother hates the boy I love! Tonight is going to be wonderful!
Tony: Tonight is going to be SWEET!
Bernardo and the Sharks: Tonight, we're going to win.
Riff and the Jets: No, tonight we're going to win.
Rita Moreno: Seriously, I need some ass.
[the FIGHT happens and Tony KILLS Bernardo, but only because he KILLED Riff and now everything is FUCKED]
Chino: Yo, that dude you like? Yeah, he killed your brother.
Natalie Wood: Whaaaa?
Tony: But we're still cool, right?
Natalie Wood: Yeah. "Somewhere," there's a place for us.
Rita Moreno: What? No, you idiot! "A boy like that" is no good for you!
Natalie Wood: But "I have a love"! What about that!?
Rita Moreno: Oh. Well, then that's fine.
[she sees the JETS act like ASSHOLES and tells Tony that Maria is DEAD instead of that she will be LATE]
Tony: Nooooooooooooooooooo!!! Just kill me!! KILL ME!!! I met this girl today and I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT HER!!!
Natalie Wood: Hey, I'm not dead.
Tony: Oh. Awesome.
Chino: But now you are dead!!!!
[he SHOOTS him and it is AWFUL]
Natalie Wood: You're all fuckers!
[they have a TRUCE]

2 comments:

Girl Genius said...

I think I am in love with you.

Lauren Oostveen said...

Oh, I love this one!

Ultra ultra condensed:

RACIAL TENSION BETWEEN NEW YORK STREET GANGS

LOTS OF DANCING AND SINGING

Tony: MARIA MARIA MARIA. *dies*