6.14.2008

The Happening

I picked this poster because:
a) it has some Scandinavian language on it (Danish? I don't know).
b) At no point, ever, is there anything in the movie remotely like what's happening on the poster. Ever. Fuckin' marketing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is CENTRAL PARK]
Some Girl: OMG MY FRIEND JUST STABBED HERSELF IN THE NECK BECAUSE THIS MOVIE IS RATED R!!!
Some Construction Worker: OMG EVERYONE IS JUMPING OFF THE CONSTRUCTION SITE AND IT'S UNNECESSARILY GRAPHIC BECAUSE M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN JUST MADE HIS FIRST R-RATED MOVIE!!!
[meanwhile, in PHILADELPHIA]
Mark Wahlberg: Yo, it's me, cool Mr. Moore. Let's talk about science and the world and I can inspire you to learn about shit. What's up with all the bees disappearing?
Student: Maybe it's an act of nature and we'll never be able to explain it. HEAR THAT, EVERYONE? Just, you know, remember that. For later.
[they hear about the EVENTS in NEW YORK and DISMISS school]
John Leguizamo: You can come hang out with my family in the country, as we are best buddies.
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, if my wife is acting weird, don't say anything. We're having troubles in our marriage, because no disaster movie would be complete without a couple like that.
[he goes HOME to his LARGE-EYED WIFE, who has just NOT ANSWERED a call from a PRESUMED SUITOR]
Zooey Deschanel: My eyes are very large, and I say only things that are completely obvious. Look, the news is on.
Conveniently Placed News Report: So, basically, people lose motor control, then regain it, and then kill themselves. We don't know what causes it, but the deaths are usually very, very graphic, because this movie is rated R.
[they go the TRAIN STATION, where it is CRAZYTOWN]
John Leguizamo: My wife will meet us later. Or, you know, totally die from whatever's going on. Oh, and I know he said not to mention anything, but I'm going to awkwardly point out the fact that your marriage is failing.
Zooey Deschanel: I don't like sharing my emotions!! I will tell you everything you need to know! When it is obvious! To everyone!
Leguizamo's Daughter: I'm a child, so I probably won't die in this movie.
[they get on the TRAIN, but sit SEPARATELY until the train is HALTED in BUMBLEFUCK, PENNSYLVANIA]
Mark Wahlberg: As the most attractive man on this train, I will take responsibility for the group and ask the conductor what's going on.
Conductor: Uh...we don't know. We lost contact with literally the rest of the world. Let's go to the diner and have a grilled cheese.
Woman in Diner: Look! Technology has allowed me to receive this video from the Philadelphia Zoo!
[they watch a man get QUARTERED by a LION in the most GRATUITOUS DEATH EVER]
Some Random: Hey! Whatever's going on here isn't happening about 90 miles west! Everyone run in total panic, to your cars, even though we all came here on a train!
[obviously, MARKY MARK & CO are STRANDED]
John Leguizamo: Since I haven't heard from my wife in a while, I'm going to go find her, because it's so incredibly likely that she's still alive, even though she's in Princeton, the middle of the infected area. Here, keep my daughter. That way, she'll be orphaned.
[they SPLIT UP and Marky Mark gets a ride with a CRAZY PLANT DUDE]
Crazy Plant Dude: So, I think it's the plants doing this. They respond to human stimulus, you know. Do you like hot dogs? I'm such a crazy secondary character!
His Wife: You are!! Let me further develop your crazy by off-handedly pointing out that you spy on our neighbors.
[meanwhile, in PRINCETON]
John Leguizamo: Gee, I'm nervous. I really hope the thing that causes us to kill ourselves isn't happeni--WHAAAA!!
[there are, like, TEN people HANGED from TREES and it is GRAPHIC]
Scared Girl: Oh god! Why is this movie so R-rated?!?!
John Leguizamo: I'll tell you a math problem to help you before we all meet our inevitable death.
[they DIE, spectacularly]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, look! More bodies. We better turn around.
[they CANNOT, because there are DEAD PEOPLE, like, EVERYWHERE]
Comic Relief Army Guy: Cheese and crackers!* Well, I guess I'll take the lead, since I'm an army guy. This guy is a realtor, so he knows where there aren't many people. We think it's hitting populated areas, so we're aiming for low density.
[they SET OFF in TWO GROUPS and all of the people in the BIGGER GROUP kill themselves]
Mark Wahlberg: Oh no.*
Zooey Deschanel: What oh no?*
Mark Wahlberg: They're all dead. I will use the scientific method that I teach my students to deduce what is going on and save us. Using the information of the crazy plant guy, and my own observation skills, I have decided that the plants are probably to blame, and are targeting smaller and smaller populations. Let's split up. We just need to stay ahead of the wind. It can't be that hard to outrun wind.
[they end up with two ADOLESCENT BOYS in their POSSE, who COUNSEL Marky Mark on his RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS]
Zooey Deschanel: I had dessert with a dude from work and now I feel guilty, and I think this is the best time to bring it up!
Mark Wahlberg: Oh yeah? Well I asked a really hot pharmacist how much cough syrup cost one time and I wasn't even sick. SO THERE.
[they LAUGH because they have FORGIVEN each other or SOMETHING because it's the END of the WORLD]
One of the Kids: Look! A house! Let's use their bathroom!
[it is a MODEL HOME, which might MEAN something, but could just be FREAKY]
Mark Wahlberg: More people are coming! We have to get away from them, because groups of people kill themselves!
[a DUDE runs himself over with a LAWNMOWER and it is GROSS]
Sign Advertising the Model Homes: YOU DESERVE THIS.
The Other Kid: Look! Another house! Let's get some food!
[they BERATE the guy inside until he SHOOTS the ADOLESCENTS and it is SORT OF sad, but not THAT sad, because we JUST MET THEM]
Mark Wahlberg: I guess we just keep going. Oh, wait, another seemingly-deserted house.
Betty Buckley: I SEE YOU EYEING MY LEMON DRINK.*
Mark Wahlberg: Oh. Hey. So...we need some help, and food, and stuff. We have a little girl. And you're really our only option, though you are batshit crazy.
[she FEEDS them and BUSTS them for having MARRIAGE ISSUES]
Betty Buckley: Oh, also, there's a speaking tube in the main house that goes to the shed where we used to hide slaves on the Underground Railroad. I just thought I'd mention that, appropos of nothing.
[she SLAPS the little girl when she tries to take a COOKIE]
Zooey Deschanel: Though it's totally apparent, I will mention again that this woman is crazy, in keeping with my promise to say only completely obvious things.
Betty Buckley: PLANNING TO STEAL FROM ME? MURDER ME IN MY SLEEP?
Mark Wahlberg: [most genuine voice in the world] What? No!
[they go to SLEEP and DON'T DIE]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, crazy lady, we're up and I wa--AAAAAA! A creepy doll in her bed!! CRAZY LADY!!
Betty Buckley: YOU THINK I'M CRAZY! YOU NEED TO LEAVE, NOW!
[she SHAKES her fist SO HARD and it is HILARIOUS but then she GOES OUTSIDE and gets the THING that makes her KILL HERSELF]
Mark Wahlberg: I must find my wife! It sounds like she's in this other room, but she's not! It must be the speaking tube the crazy lady mentioned earlier. Good thing she brought that up, or we'd ALL be confused.
Zooey Deschanel: We're going to die now, I guess. Let's talk through the tube.
Mark Wahlberg: Well, if we're going to die, let's die together. Bring the kid with you, though, because we all know a kid in a disaster movie is probably safe.
[she IS, and they all LIVE]
Mark Wahlberg: Thank goodness we're so much more attractive than those other people.
[three months LATER]
Zooey Deschanel: Wow, all we needed to fix our marriage was an apocalyptic act of nature. And now I'm pregnant! And we adopted our friends' kid. Yay!
News Report: So, we're not really sure what caused it, but we think it might be the plants reacting to us basically completely fucking up the planet. Pretty much, it was an act of nature, and we can't explain it. Remember that? From the beginning? Yeah, that's the WHOLE explanation.
Other News Guy: I guess I'd accept that theory, if it happened anywhere else besides just New England.
Some French Guy: Le mort...est ici.
M. Night Shyamalan: So, I decided to go a different way with this one by telling you the ending pretty much immediately. How's THAT for a twist, mothafuckaaaaaas?? Also, stop killing the earth.

7 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Lines that made laugh a lot:

As the most attractive man on this train, I will take responsibility for the group and ask the conductor what's going on.

Oh god! Why is this movie so R-rated?!?!


Lines that made me really hungry:

Let's go to the diner and have a grilled cheese.


This sounds like the worst movie ever!

Rural Juror said...

Hahaha . . . love these things.

And if I get to see Spencer Breslin get shot . . .

Mark said...

I hope he makes a children's movie one day. Filled with over-the-top violence and a happy ending. And with Robin Williams doing one of the voices.

John A said...

Thank you for saving me $9.

Princess Pointful said...

Hilarious!
How tragic is it that I only read this after I saw the movie... the awful, awful movie.

Amanda said...

I also read this after already seeing the movie, but I'm incredibly glad that I saw this movie - it was awesomely hilarious, kind of like the whole emo!Peter Parker dance scene in Spider-Man 3. My brother and I laughed hysterically through the entire movie (in fact, the entire theater - of about 30 people - laughed hysterically at Betty Buckley's lemonade paranoia), and then I recommended it to my boyfriend and a couple of our friends.

I think we've all watched a bit too much MST3K.

maya said...

Hahaha! I saw this movie a couple of weeks ago and I think I like your ultra-condensed version better! By the way, I came across your blog from ill-fitting overcoat and princess pointful. From now on ill check your reviews first before i buy those movie tickets :-D