[it is CUBA in OLDEN TIMES]
Angelina Jolie: Let me tell you a story from this prison cell I am in, priest.
Antonio Banderas: As a muy rico coffee merchant, I am in need of a wife. Though I am rich and super hot, I will order one from America to ensure that I am not marrying a gold-digger.
His Kentuckian Business Partner: But...she's ugly!
Antonio Banderas: I have no need for a pretty wife, as long as she is kind and generous. And can give me a son.
Angelina Jolie: Hi. I'm your wife.
Antonio Banderas: But...you're super hot.
Angelina Jolie: I sent you a picture of an ugly girl I know so you wouldn't marry me for my beauty.
Antonio Banderas: Well, I did the same thing, but with riches. Let's get married, since we are both liars.
[they DO, and then they BONE and it is HOT but that part got EDITED for CONTENT when I watched it on OXYGEN]
Antonio Banderas: Give my wife full access to all my accounts, banker.
Thomas Jane: I have been hired by your wife's sister to make sure she is all right. Is she? Can I meet her? Do you like my whimsical mustache?
Antonio Banderas: Sure, she's right over he--shit.
[she has ABSCONDED with literally ALL his MONEY because she is OBVIOUSLY not the woman from the PICTURE]
Antonio Banderas: She is muerte!! But I still love her, and her fine, fine ass.
[he goes to a BROTHEL to SOOTHE his ANGUISH]
Thomas Jane: Oh hey! Funny running into you in this brothel. Maybe we should join forces to find your wife.
[they DO, and Antonio Banderas FINDS her and cannot KILL her because she is TOO HOT]
Angelina Jolie: I know I stole all your money, but I gave it to my accomplice, a guy I grew up with in the orphanage. I couldn't go through with it, because you are too hot, also.
Thomas Jane: Did you find her?
Antonio Banderas: Uh...no.
Thomas Jane: Liar!
[they FIGHT and Antonio Banderas SHOOTS Thomas Jane]
Antonio Banderas: Nooooooooo!! I have killed a man!
[he goes to get TRAIN TICKETS]
Thomas Jane: Psych, I'm not really dead.
Angelina Jolie: You ass. I wonder if anyone in the audience hasn't already figured out that you are my orphanage friend who I now kind of hate but still do cons with, and are also the person who killed that original mail-order bride so I could take her place. If not, let's explain it to them. Get lost. I'll tell my husband I stashed your body somewhere.
Antonio Banderas: Now we are both fugitives. We can cheat at cards to make money.
[they DO, but get CAUGHT]
Angelina Jolie: We can make this work. Let's be thieves together. I love you. For reals. I'm going to go buy some rat poison now. Please don't read anything into that.
[she meets with Thomas Jane in a HOTEL and they PLOT against Antonio Banderas]
Antonio Banderas: Noooo!! She is going to kill me! [to HER] I loved you! I still kind of do, inexplicably! And if you leave me, I have nothing! NOTHING!!
[he DRINKS the coffee that he KNOWS is poisoned]
Angelina Jolie: Nooooooooooooo!! I changed my mind! You're too beautiful to die!!
[they get CAUGHT by Thomas Jane at the TRAIN STATION]
Antonio Banderas: This time, the bullets are real, bitch.
[he SHOOTS him, and since he isn't quite DEAD, Angelina ALSO shoots him]
Angelina Jolie: I love you! I love you! I will say it a million times!!
[meanwhile, back in that PRISON]
Angelina Jolie: So that's how my story goes. Isn't that sad? Don't you feel bad for me? Don't you want to help me escape?
The Priest: Okay.
[she ESCAPES and meets Antonio Banderas in MOROCCO and you have NO IDEA whether the whole story was a HUGE LIE but it doesn't MATTER because everyone is SO HOT]