1.16.2008

The Hunt for Red October


[it is the COLD WAR]
Alec Baldwin: Wow, check out this cool new submarine! I want to know everything about it from the safety of Washington, D.C.
Jeffrey Jones: You can tell that I am truly a submarine expert from my beard. This Russian sub runs silently via a propulsion system called the caterpillar. No one can detect it!
[meanwhile, on that VERY SAME sub, called the RED OCTOBER]
Sean Connery: приветствия, политический офицер.** Wait, let's talk in English of varying accents now. Wasn't that the most seamless transition to establish our Russianness?
Political Officer: We just got our orders. It looks like we're--
[Sean Connery KILLS him and SWITCHES the orders with his OWN]
Sean Connery: Crew! We are going stealth!! And the political officer died. But since we're stealth, we're just going to have to carry his body around.
Tim Curry: As the ship's doctor, I found some very strange things about the death of the polit--
Sam Neill: Shut up, dude, you're in on this plan!!
[all the CREW sing in RUSSIAN and it is ROUSING]
[meanwhile, on an AMERICAN sub]
Courtney B. Vance: Sir, I think I heard something. Singing, maybe.
Captain: You're crazy, man.
Courtney B. Vance: But I am the best SONAR technician ever and can pick out sounds no one else can hear! You have to believe me!!
[meanwhile, in WASHINGTON]
James Earl Jones: Sooooo...apparently the Russians are up to something. They say this submarine needs to be rescued. Maybe you should go check it out. You know this guy better than anyone, and are also very attractive.
Alec Baldwin: I may be attractive, but I'm just an analyst! I write books! However, I do have a theory that maybe these Russians are defecting, though I have no basis for that guess except that today is the first anniversary of the captain's wife's death. Let's go.
Russian Ambassador: Wait, no, we changed our story. The captain is crazy! Shoot him down! Or sink him! Whatever it is with submarines!
[Alec Baldwin goes to an AIRCRAFT CARRIER in a NAVAL UNIFORM and everyone is MAD because he is a CIVILIAN]
Fred Thompson: It's cool, guys, he was in the Marine Academy and got blown up and had to retire. Thompson '08.
Alec Baldwin: So, listen, I have this theory. I think they're trying to defe--
Fred Thompson: Shut up, we're all trying to shoot this sub down. Sink it. Whatever.
Alec Baldwin: If I could just get to this sub with Courtney B. Vance on it! They must be near the silent sub.
[meanwhile, on the RED OCTOBER]
Some dude with yet another accent: Captain, we're being shot at!
Sean Connery: Make some maneuvers. They're going to sound crazy, and I won't explain them to you, but they'll work.
[they EVADE the torpedo and it hits a ROCK and everyone is AWED by Sean Connery's PROWESS as a CAPTAIN]
Sean Connery: Do not question my Scottish accent. Now, get off this boat. I have arranged a clever ploy so that my crew will know nothing of this defection plan.
[meanwhile, back on the AIRCRAFT CARRIER]
Fred Thompson: Okay, we're going to put you on a helicopter to the other sub. I know you hate to fly, so have fun.
[it is RAINING so Alec Baldwin cannot BOARD the American sub, so he DROPS into the OCEAN and they have to RESCUE him, which is STUPID...but it WORKS]
American Captain: Welcome on board, you idiot. So we think we know where he is. And we think he knows where we are. It's a very tenuous game we play.
Courtney B. Vance: Whoa, he just pulled a Crazy Ivan!
Alec Baldwin: Was it to starboard?
American Captain: Wow, you really seem to know this guy. I will trust your judgement, though it may endanger my men.
[they COMMUNICATE with the Russians via MORSE CODE and arrange to MEET in a DEEP part of the OCEAN, where they get in a LITTLE SUB and go OVER there while STILL UNDERWATER and it is COOL]
American Captain: Hey guys. So...you want to defect?
Sam Neill: Will they let me live in Montana?*
Alec Baldwin: Sweet, I was right...though I totally guessed on the starboard thing. Suckaaaaaas!
[the COOK tries to SHOOT everyone, but only Sam Neill DIES]
Sam Neill: I would have liked to have seen Montana.*
[Alec Baldwin SWEATILY PURSUES the COOK through a BOILER ROOM, since all fights are BETTER there]
Sean Connery: I recognize a kindred spirit in you. Thank you for your help.
Alec Baldwin: Sorry about your wife. Now, let's get defectin'.
[another RUSSIAN sub comes along and tries to SHOOT them, but they GET AWAY AGAIN and the TORPEDO hits the BAD RUSSIANS]
James Earl Jones: That worked out surprisingly well. Now we can just tell the Russians that it was the Red October that blew up. BURN!

**that's real Russian, bitches.

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I believed you, but I checked with BabelFish anyway. And yes, it means "Greetings, Political Officer." Amazing!

Also, Lauren was just saying a few nights ago that she couldn't imagine Alec Baldwin in any movie and it's so true! I can only picture him in 30 Rock now and even when I read this recap, I did not believe you that Alec Baldwin is really in this movie.