Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Marilyn Monroe: I want to marry you so bad, rich and kind of dorky man!
Rich/Kind of Dorky Man: Hooray! Let's go to France!
His Dad: Nuh uh!
Marilyn Monroe: Fine! I'll go to France!
Rich/Kind of Dorky Man: Okay, I'll pay for it!
Jane Russell: Yeah...I should probably go along, since you're some sort of magpie slut who will put out for anything shiny.
[they ATTRACT many of the men on board, including the OLYMPIC TEAM]
Piggy: Although I am old and saggy, I am also rich and own a literal diamond mine.
Jane Russell: Don't tell my friend.
Marilyn Monroe: DIAMONDS?! Did someone say DIAMONDS?!
[she DANCES with Piggy and talks a lot about DIAMONDS]
Tall Dude: Hey there...I am rich.
Jane Russell: Yeah...that works with my friend over there, but not me, buster.
Tall Dude: Hmmm...I will have to get her attention another way so that I can continue to spy on her friend whose fiance's father has hired me for that express purpose.
[Jane Russell DANCES with the OLYMPIC TEAM, who are kind of GAY]
Every Man on Board: Let us sit with those hot girls!!
[Marilyn Monroe ACCIDENTALLY requests that some CHILD sit at their table because he is RICH]
Piggy: Now I shall pretend to be a python for some reason!
Tall Dude: Now I have incriminating photos of you! Ha HA!!
[a series of SHENANIGANS related to RETRIEVING the film OCCUR, including DRUGGING Tall Dude and stealing his PANTS]
Marilyn Monroe: Your wife will never see these photos, so...GIVE ME DIAMONDS!
His Wife: Um, those are mine.
Jane Russell: You can't prove we have them!
His Wife: You will find that I mean business.*
Jane Russell: Then why are you wearing that hat?*
Everyone Else: BURN!!
[Marilyn and Jane go to PARIS but are CUT OFF by Marilyn's fiance, who saw the COMPROMISING PICTURES, so they get SWEET-ASS JOBS at some NIGHTCLUB]
Marilyn Monroe: Remember how much I love diamonds? Now I'm going to sing about it, and be super-iconic.
Jane Russell: Um, we need to give the tiara back.
Marilyn Monroe: It's gone! What do we do????
Jane Russell: It's so OBVIOUS!! You get the money from your angry fiance and also make him fall back in love with you, and I'll pretend to be you so I can also sing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," only in a COURTROOM!
Marilyn Monroe: Oh, duh. That's obviously the best plan.
Tall Dude: Hey, I got the tiara back because I love you, Jane Russell, and also I am not rich.
Jane Russell: Awesome!
[they have a DOUBLE WEDDING on the SHIP]

1 comment:

Emily said...

Older movies are so much better.