Die Hard with a Vengeance

[it is NEW YORK]
Citizens: La, la, la...how lovely it is to live in this great city.
[something EXPLODES]
Police Commissioner: What the HELL???
Secretary: Sir, you have a call. The party will only identify himself as "the dude who blew something up just now..." so you might want to take this.
Voice of Crazy Man Who Is Obviously Jeremy Irons: We're going to play a little game. Get me Bruce Willis! Now!
Bruce Willis: But...I was busy. Drinking. Heavily.
[he goes to HARLEM and wears a RACIST SANDWICH BOARD and is almost KILLED, but Samuel L. Jackson SAVES him, even though he HATES white people]
Jeremy Irons: Hmmmm...interesting. Now I will proceed to give you some tasks, the impossibility of which will be obvious to those who live in New York, but may be lost on everyone else. So please remember to impress upon our audience that these tasks are HARD!
[Bruce Willis TRICKS Samuel L. Jackson into HELPING him, which is GOOD because Bruce Willis can't solve PUZZLES for SHIT]
Jeremy Irons: I have put a bomb in a school somewhere in New York. Go find it...while I steal ALL THE GOLD at the Federal Reserve Bank.
NYPD: What'd you say?
Jeremy Irons: Oh, nothing...look over there!
[they are DISTRACTED]
Bruce Willis: Why are you stealing that candy, little boy?
Little Boy: All the cops are busy! You could steal City Hall!*
Bruce Willis: Whaaaaaa...
[he LOCATES the DUMP TRUCKS laden with GOLD, which are on their way through an AQUEDUCT, while Samuel L. Jackson goes to YANKEE STADIUM]
Bruce Willis: Thanks for the ride, talkative truck driver with a lot of knowledge about random things. Hey, who's the 21st president?
Truck Driver: Chester A. Arthur. My work here is done.
Jeremy Irons: He is in the water pipe! Release the WATER! Terrible, terrible WATER!! Muahahahaha!!
[Bruce Willis is almost DROWNED by a FUCKING HUGE wall of WATER but shoots out a VENT just as Sam Jackson DRIVES UP]
Samuel L. Jackson: That was convenient.
Bruce Willis: Come on! Let's go find the boat where all the gold is! We can defeat all these bad guys ourselves!
[they GO to the BOAT and are CAPTURED, but not before AWESOMELY FIGHTING]
Bruce Willis: Hey, you got any aspirin?
Jeremy Irons: Here, have some. I will even let you keep the bottle, for even though there is information on it that could lead to my capture later, I know that my plan to blow you up WILL NOT FAIL, though I have tried to kill you, like, ten times already and it never worked. Peace out, bitches!
[Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson PICK the LOCK and NARROWLY ESCAPE being EXPLODED]
Samuel L. Jackson: We have all learned a lesson...maybe you should call your estranged wife.
Bruce Willis: That's a good ide - WHAAAAA? This aspirin is from Canada! They must be there!
[they go to CANADA and DEFEAT the BAD GUYS]
Samuel L. Jackson: I'm not racist anymore.
Bruce Willis: I'm not a drunk anymore.
Everyone: Yaaaay!

1 comment:

Laurie said...

Gotta love the classic "I am a bad guy and supposedly want to kill the good guy and yet instead tell him every detail of my maniacal plan while setting up an extremely involved process to kill him which is very likely to be escaped at the last moment instead of, like, SHOOTING HIM WITH A GUN". I have also recently come to love the "We are dragging the dastardly villain off to prison but first will stop in the doorway for like 17 minutes to allow him to turn around deliver some sort of monologue slash shout obscenities".