Little Girl: Let’s play on the beach during a thunderstorm! That sounds both safe AND fun!
Little Boy: I wanna marry you, so I can kiss you any time I want.*
[they KISS in a CUTE way but are STRUCK by LIGHTNING because there’s a GODDAMN THUNDERSTORM]
Little Boy: This experience will haunt me forever.
Reese Witherspoon: Oh, how I do love my life! My fashions are hip and fresh, and I’m dating a super-hot (one might even say…McDreamy) guy who is also rich and powerful and not an asshole! Hurrah!
[Patrick Dempsey PROPOSES to her in TIFFANY’S because he is the MAYOR’S SON, which apparently gives you AFTER-HOURS ACCESS to jewelry stores]
Patrick Dempsey: Pick anything you like, for while I am hot and nice, I am also very, very rich.
[they go to SOME EVENT, where the PRESS sees her HUGE ROCK and goes CRAZY]
Candice Bergen: The mayor of
Reese Witherspoon: Oh my! My life is so much better now! But I must take care of some business back home. I hope all the inhabitants of my quirky small-town upbringing are still as quirky as ever.
Ethan Embry: I’m gay now! Whooooaaa! Craaaaaazy!
Melanie Lynskey: I have a baby! In a bar! Craaaaaazy!
Josh Lucas: Woman, what are you doing here?
Reese Witherspoon: I want a divorce! Sign these papers, damn you!
[they FIGHT, whilst interacting with the QUIRKY PEOPLE, though it is obvious they actually want to FUCK]
Another Quirky Person: Remember when you set a cat on fire? That was cool! Wait, no…that’s actually not cool.
Patrick Dempsey: Hello, I am here to find out more about my fiancée’s sketchy past. Is this the
Reese Witherspoon: Yes! Correct! This is my CHILDHOOD HOME. Right. Yes.
Ethan Embry: I will unconvincingly play along with your little game, Reese Witherspoon, but only because your fiancé is so attractive.
[Josh Lucas BLOWS her COVER and she is FORCED to show Patrick Dempsey her REAL HOUSE, which is LAME]
Her Parents: Hooray! Let’s have a wedding here in
[Candice Bergen goes to
Small Lawyer: NOOOOO!!! Don’t do it!! Your divorce isn’t final!!
Reese Witherspoon: That bastard didn’t sign the papers?!?!
Small Lawyer: No…you didn’t.
Reese Witherspoon: Perhaps through all that fighting, I should have focused on the real emotions I feel towards my husband. The emotions of fighting. And fucking. Oh, how wrong I have been!!
[she RUNS in the RAIN, because when you LOVE someone, you are REQUIRED to RUN in the RAIN]
Josh Lucas: Go away! I am back on this same beach, looking for lightning sand. Lightning sand that reminds me of our first kiss! There is SO MUCH IMAGERY going on here and you – you can’t even see it!!
Reese Witherspoon: I want to marry you, so I can kiss you any time I want.*
[they KISS in the RAIN, because RAIN KISSES carry more MEANING than any other KISS]