Deja Vu

Merrymakers/Military Personnel: Ah, what a day to be out and about on a lovely party boat!
Boat Employee: Hmm...why is that Beach Boys song emanating from that truck?
[he CHECKS it OUT, and sees that it is a BOMB]
Boat Employee: What the fu--
[the truck EXPLODES, setting off MORE EXPLOSIONS and BURNING people left and right]
Denzel Washington: I'm on the case. ATF here.
Val Kilmer: I'm FBI, or something. I thought I was on the case. Perhaps we can work together.
Denzel Washington: For some reason, I will not fight you for jurisdiction.
[a WOMAN'S BODY is found on the SHORE, all BURNED UP]
Denzel Washington: But she was found before the explosion, as I can tell from our highly sophisticated video surveillance. This is fishy.
Supporting Cop Character: Hey, a woman called for you earlier. You should call her back. It might not seem important now, but I'm sure it is.
[Denzel SEARCHES the DEAD CHICK'S house and hears HIS OWN VOICE on her answering machine]
Denzel Washington: I am seriously fucking freaked out right now. Also, this chick was FINE.
Supporting Cop Character: Dude, you left your fingerprints all over the crime scene.
Denzel Washington: No I didn't! What's going on here?
Val Kilmer: Perhaps you would like to see this project we've been working on. It might answer some questions.
Denzel Washington: What is this? Is this some sort of video portal to the past?
Science People: [laughing nervously] No, no...it's, uh...it's satellites! Yeah, infrared satellites. That thoroughly explains how we can re-create scenes from inside people's houses, but only from EXACTLY 4 days and 6 hours ago. And we can't rewind. It's...uh...too much...data. Yeah.
[they VIEW the HOT CHICK getting a PHONE CALL from the BOMBER and then SEE him on ACTUAL VIDEO, rather than the CRAZY PAST VIDEO]
Denzel Washington: Look, he has a bag with him! Do you have face recognition software?
Science People: Yes.
Denzel Washington: I want you to run this bag through the face recognition and cross-reference it with every bag seen on the south side of the city in 48 hours.*
[they DO, and it takes, like, FIVE SECONDS]
Denzel Washington: Okay, we've got our man. But we have to find him.
Science People: He's out of range! He has to be within our...uh...satellite...area. Here, take these Past Video Goggles and pursue him in a dual-temporal car chase.
Denzel Washington: I can't see! But I must press on.
[they ARREST the BAD DUDE and he says a bunch of stuff about AMERICA and PATRIOTISM and GOD]
Denzel Washington: Wait a minute...I just shined a laser pointer at the Past Video Machine and she SAW it!!
Val Kilmer: Okay, you caught us. It's a time machine. Sorry we lied before.
[they write a NOTE to Past Denzel Washington and put it in the TIME MACHINE, which apparently works something like a TEMPORAL PHOTOCOPIER, but his PARTNER sees it and gets KILLED, which HAPPENED anyway]
Adam Goldberg: See?!?! Nothing can be changed!
Denzel Washington: But I have to save this woman that I apparently love, but have never met, or maybe did.
Adam Goldberg: Okay, we'll send you through the time machine.
Val Kilmer: Looks like my work is done here. I'll be going now, for the rest of the movie.
[Denzel TEMPORALLY PHOTOCOPIES to 4 days and 6 hours earlier, which is CONVENIENTLY 2 hours before the EXPLOSION]
Denzel Washington: [crashing through a WALL in a STOLEN AMBULANCE] Stop right there!
Jim Caviezel: No! I will bomb that boat!
[he GETS AWAY while Denzel Washington TENDS to the HOT CHICK, who brings him to HER PLACE, thus explaining the FINGERPRINTS from earlier]
Hot Chick: I don't believe you're who you say you are! I'm calling your office!
[she leaves a MESSAGE, which explains the THING from earlier]
Denzel Washington: Believe me now? Let's go.
[he gets on the BOAT, but she is SUPPOSED to stay onshore, but the BAD DUDE gets back on the BOAT, so she gets on the BOAT, and now everyone's on the BOAT and there's a BOMB]
Jim Caviezel: Haha, Hot Chick! Now you are trapped in this car with a bomb!
Denzel Washington: Not so fast.
[they have a GUNFIGHT that only ENDS when the Hot Chick SMASHES him with the CAR]
Denzel Washington: Well, I guess we better drive the car into the water so the bomb goes off in there.
[they DO, and she LIVES, and he DIES]
Hot Chick: Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!
Denzel Washington of 4 days and 6 hours ago: Hello there. Are you all right?
Hot Chick: You're alive!!!!!
Denzel Washington of 4 days and 6 hours ago: I don't...think so.
[they DRIVE OFF, experiencing DEJA VU all the way HOME]
America: Oh, New Orleans. We support you, even if the government doesn't.

1 comment:

jeremy said...


1 shot: every time someone says New Orleans, any reference to Hurricane Katrina

1 drink: for every New Orleanean reference (be it: set decoration, signage or someone saying Bayou)