28 Weeks Later

[it is ENGLAND]
Mom: La, la, la...life isn't so bad when you live in a boarded-up house in the country with your husband and some randoms who might be the only survivors of a deadly, inexplicable virus that turns people into furious, bloody, flesh-eating monsters. Here, have some pasta.
Dad: Good thing we sent the kids on that school trip out of the country, so we know they're safe.
Sullen Girl: My boyfriend is coming back to the house, I know it!!
Other dude: No, he's not! He's a FUCKING ZOMBIE.
[they all hear NOISES outside and the mom LETS IN a random CHILD because she is a MOM]
Sullen Girl: Maybe it's my boyfr---
Mom: Child, I will save you, though you are not my own child!
[everyone gets ATTACKED and there is MAD CRAZY BLOOD]
Mom: Help me!
Dad: Um...bye.
[he BOUNCES, but does not SEE her ACTUALLY get attacked by the INFECTED]
[28 weeks LATER]
Boy: It's so good to be home! Well, sort of home.
Girl: I can't wait to see dad. It's too bad he couldn't possibly have saved Mom from the Infected.
Hot Woman Medical Official: You have one green eye and one brown. I feel that this may be significant in some way.
Blatantly Expository Train Announcement: Welcome to District One. Please do not leave the confines of District One. It's the only safe place anywhere, so we thought it would be a good idea to move civilians back in before we've ascertained that Britain is secure.
Hot Sharpshooter Man Solider: I sure do like looking through my scope, since there's pretty much nothing else to do.
Black Helicopter Dude: Since I am black and also have pictures of my family in my helicopter, I will probably die later. But for now, I shall entertain you with my hilarious witticisms.
[the children LEAVE the confines of District One, even though there are SOLIDERS, like, EVERYWHERE]
Girl: Let's steal a scooter. I'll grab the keys off this amazingly gross corpse.
[they go to their OWN HOUSE, which is DILAPIDATED, to get a picture of their MOM]
Boy: What's upstairs? Something's moving. OMG!!! Mom?!?!?!
[their mom is there, TOTALLY ALIVE but CRAZED and POSSIBLY INFECTED]
[the SOLIDERS find them and return them to the RELATIVE SAFETY of District One, along with their MOM]
Hot Woman Medical Official: She's a carrier. She has a unique genetic structure that makes her immune to the mysterious virus. Maybe her kids have it too. We'll need to do some more tests.
Dad: My wife...my wife is in here.
[she TRICKS him into KISSING her, though she is a CARRIER, and he gets THE VIRUS and then SHOVES his THUMBS into her EYE SOCKETS]
Military Personnel: SHIIIIIIIITTTT!! The virus is back!!! What the fuck?!?!
[everyone FREAKS OUT and this one dude totally gets his HEAD blown off and SPLATTERED against GLASS]
Military Personnel: Shoot the infected!! Wait, shoot everyone!! Put all the civilians in one locked room, all squished together, and hope that no infected people get in the--crap.
[Infected Dad RAMPAGES through the room, and some people HIDE, including Girl, Boy, Hot Woman Medical Official, Hot Sharpshooter Man Soldier, and some RANDOMS]
Hot Sharpshooter Man Soldier: We gotta get out of here.
Black Helicopter Dude (on radio): Dude, you have to GO. Meet me across town, even though I'm in a helicopter, and you're on foot in a hail of gunfire.
[the military FIREBOMBS District One and it is COOL]
Hot Woman Medical Official: We need to protect these kids, because they may be the key to unlock the secret of the mysterious virus.
[they find a CAR that won't start, but Hot Sharpshooter Man Solider SACRIFICES himself to a FUCKING FLAMETHROWER to push-start the car]
Hot Woman Medical Official: Let's go down into the subway, where it's completely dark. I'll use my night vision scope to see where we're going, and also to make this scene completely scary.
[she SEES an INFECTED through the SCOPE and gets ATTACKED]
Girl: Shit. Now we're down here alone. Wait, isn't that Dad?
[Infected Dad ATTACKS his son, who OBVIOUSLY shares the UNIQUE GENETIC STRUCTURE of his mom and is RESISTANT]
Girl: You bastard!! [she SHOOTS him] Okay, let's go.
Black Helicopter Dude: Somehow I have survived the movie thus far. Let's go to France.
[they FLY to France, with the Boy CARRYING the mysterious VIRUS, setting up the possibility of a SEQUEL featuring MANY EMPTY EUROPEAN CITIES]


Anonymous said...

Holy shit.


Emily Sue said...

The scene with the night vision would make a good haunted house idea. Can you imagine it? Try to not step on dead, rotting bodies! Horrifying.

David McRaney said...

Nice. This movie was a lot of fun until about 5 minutes into the third act when someone hit the eject plot button and everyone died.

jeremy said...

45 degree helicopter zombie chop ROOLS