5.25.2007

A League of Their Own

Other sports and disciplines in which there is NO CRYING, according to a Google search: hockey, basketball, football, taekwondo, ninja, snowboarding, bocce, croquet, advertising, retail, business, law school, journalism, local politics, rock 'n' roll, the CIA, bass fishing, counterterrorism, Canadian Idol, cooking, science, court (specifically directed at Larry Seidlin), rook-piercing, and Senate confirmation hearings.

No one cries anymore, I guess. Thanks, Tom Hanks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[it is NOW-ish]
Old Geena Davis: La, la, la…remember when I played baseball? Those were more innocent times…
[flashbackflashbackflashback]
America: We can’t live without baseball!!! Give us baseball!!
Candy Magnate: Hey!! Let’s make a girls’ baseball league! Go find me some girl baseball players! And make sure they’re hot!
Jon Lovitz: I like how ya throw, honey. Want to play on a team?
Geena Davis: No, I’m cool. I’m kind of really into the domesticity thing.
Lori Petty: OMGOMGOMG!!! I want to play baseball sooooooo bad!!
Jon Lovitz: You kind of suck and are not as hot as your sister…but if you get your hot sister to come along, you’re in!
[they go CHECK OUT another player who is UGLY, but GOOD, and show their NICENESS by convincing the SCOUT to bring her to the TRYOUTS despite her UGLINESS]
Madonna: Hey, I’m slutty…and I love baseball!
Rosie O’Donnell: Hey, I’m hilarious…and I love baseball!
That Pretty Southern One: Hey, I’m pretty…and I love baseball!
The One with a Kid: Hey, I have a kid…and I love baseball!
Tom Hanks: MotherFUCK. No one is ever going to watch chicks play baseball, no matter how much any of them love it.
Geena Davis: Oh YEAH? Watch this!!
[she makes the MOST AWESOMEST PLAY EVER and gets on the cover of TIME]
Tom Hanks: Okay, fine, you’re awesome. I have a hangover. Just go play.
[the one with a kid makes a BAD PLAY]
Tom Hanks: What the fuck?!?!
The One with a Kid: [cries]
Tom Hanks: There’s no crying in baseball!!*
[they go on TOUR and have many MISADVENTURES and BOND as WOMEN and all SING a SONG about being WOMEN who like BASEBALL and being from PLACES and someone’s HUSBAND dies]
Rosie O’Donnell: Let’s get wasted!!
Madonna: Still a slut! Yeah!
[the UGLY ONE sings DRUNKENLY with a BAND and gets a MAN, and SHOWS EVERYONE]
Geena Davis: I’m not really into this anymore. I’m going to quit.
All the Men: Noooooooooo!!!
Candy Magnate: It’s because she doesn’t like her sister! Trade her to Racine! It will be the perfect opportunity for these sibling rivals to settle their differences on the baseball field!
[the BIG GAME happens and OBVIOUSLY the sisters are PITTED against each other]
Geena Davis: I know exactly how to strike you out!
Lori Petty: Oh YEAH? Just TRY it.
[she DESTROYS the ball and RUNS to home plate and KNOCKS her sister OVER and WINS the game]
Lori Petty: Ha ha ha!! Wait, maybe we shouldn’t fight anymore.
Geena Davis: Okay. I’m going home now.
[back to NOW]
Actual Players in the Baseball League: Remember us? We’re awesome. Now you will all know of our existence, and that we were cool.

2 comments:

Jackie said...

thanks anna!

humboldt honey said...

Aw, shit. I've so cried in snowboarding.