A League of Their Own

Other sports and disciplines in which there is NO CRYING, according to a Google search: hockey, basketball, football, taekwondo, ninja, snowboarding, bocce, croquet, advertising, retail, business, law school, journalism, local politics, rock 'n' roll, the CIA, bass fishing, counterterrorism, Canadian Idol, cooking, science, court (specifically directed at Larry Seidlin), rook-piercing, and Senate confirmation hearings.

No one cries anymore, I guess. Thanks, Tom Hanks.

[it is NOW-ish]
Old Geena Davis: La, la, la…remember when I played baseball? Those were more innocent times…
America: We can’t live without baseball!!! Give us baseball!!
Candy Magnate: Hey!! Let’s make a girls’ baseball league! Go find me some girl baseball players! And make sure they’re hot!
Jon Lovitz: I like how ya throw, honey. Want to play on a team?
Geena Davis: No, I’m cool. I’m kind of really into the domesticity thing.
Lori Petty: OMGOMGOMG!!! I want to play baseball sooooooo bad!!
Jon Lovitz: You kind of suck and are not as hot as your sister…but if you get your hot sister to come along, you’re in!
[they go CHECK OUT another player who is UGLY, but GOOD, and show their NICENESS by convincing the SCOUT to bring her to the TRYOUTS despite her UGLINESS]
Madonna: Hey, I’m slutty…and I love baseball!
Rosie O’Donnell: Hey, I’m hilarious…and I love baseball!
That Pretty Southern One: Hey, I’m pretty…and I love baseball!
The One with a Kid: Hey, I have a kid…and I love baseball!
Tom Hanks: MotherFUCK. No one is ever going to watch chicks play baseball, no matter how much any of them love it.
Geena Davis: Oh YEAH? Watch this!!
[she makes the MOST AWESOMEST PLAY EVER and gets on the cover of TIME]
Tom Hanks: Okay, fine, you’re awesome. I have a hangover. Just go play.
[the one with a kid makes a BAD PLAY]
Tom Hanks: What the fuck?!?!
The One with a Kid: [cries]
Tom Hanks: There’s no crying in baseball!!*
[they go on TOUR and have many MISADVENTURES and BOND as WOMEN and all SING a SONG about being WOMEN who like BASEBALL and being from PLACES and someone’s HUSBAND dies]
Rosie O’Donnell: Let’s get wasted!!
Madonna: Still a slut! Yeah!
[the UGLY ONE sings DRUNKENLY with a BAND and gets a MAN, and SHOWS EVERYONE]
Geena Davis: I’m not really into this anymore. I’m going to quit.
All the Men: Noooooooooo!!!
Candy Magnate: It’s because she doesn’t like her sister! Trade her to Racine! It will be the perfect opportunity for these sibling rivals to settle their differences on the baseball field!
[the BIG GAME happens and OBVIOUSLY the sisters are PITTED against each other]
Geena Davis: I know exactly how to strike you out!
Lori Petty: Oh YEAH? Just TRY it.
[she DESTROYS the ball and RUNS to home plate and KNOCKS her sister OVER and WINS the game]
Lori Petty: Ha ha ha!! Wait, maybe we shouldn’t fight anymore.
Geena Davis: Okay. I’m going home now.
[back to NOW]
Actual Players in the Baseball League: Remember us? We’re awesome. Now you will all know of our existence, and that we were cool.


Jackie said...

thanks anna!

humboldt honey said...

Aw, shit. I've so cried in snowboarding.