4.08.2007

Con Air

[it is AMERICA]
Monica Potter: Oh no! Some ruffians are attacking me!
Nicolas Cage: I will protect you from these evil-doers, my fair new pregnant bride.
[he KILLS them because he's an ARMY RANGER and WAY STRONG]
Court System: Sorry, you're going to jail.
Nicolas Cage: But I'm so honorable!!
[FIVE YEARS LATER]
Nicolas Cage: I'm sure glad I get to go home today. I hope that hitching a ride on this plane full of the worst convicts imaginable doesn't turn out to be a very poor choice.
That Dude That Played Bubba in Forrest Gump: We're good people. I'm sure we'll be fine, even though I have diabetes and would go into insulin shock if something like a plane hijacking were to happen.
[various UNSAVORY CHARACTERS are introduced]
Steve Buscemi: I'm crazy…looking!!
John Leguizamo: I'm gay…looking!!
Dave Chappelle: I'm funny…looking!!
John Malkovich: Everyone settle down. We need to take over this plane. As the most bat-shit crazy person on this plane, I shall lead you all in removing all traces of authority.
[he DOES, much to the CHAGRIN of the GOOD GUYS]
U.S. Marshal John Cusack: Shit. Stupid psychotic prisoners. How could we have known that they would have an elaborate plan to hijack the plane?
[a BODY lands on someone's CAR with a NOTE for him]
U.S. Marshal John Cusack: Sweet! We have an ally on the plane! This is TOTALLY going to work!
[meanwhile, the PSYCHOTIC PRISONERS are PARTYING on the hijacked PLANE]
Steve Buscemi: Define irony: a bunch of idiots on a plane, dancing to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash.*
[he GETS OFF the plane at some point and spends the REST OF THE MOVIE in some sort of DRY POOLwith a LITTLE GIRL]
Bubba: My diabetes!! I'm going to die!!!
Nicolas Cage: As I am the most honorable man in the world, I shall save you.
[they try to DE-PLANE without SUCCESS]
John Malkovich: Oh, no, you don't. I am the leader here. And I found this symbolic picture of your child and this stuffed rabbit, so now I know your game!! You're not psychotic!
Nicolas Cage: My secret's out!! I am an honorable man!! We're landing this plane in Las Vegas for some reason!
U.S. Marshal John Cusack: Good idea!
[they DO, but only after a TOTALLY AWESOME gun/fire/plane fight in an ABANDONED airstrip]
Monica Potter: You're safe!
Child Who Wishes She Was Dakota Fanning: Uh…thanks for the dirty-ass bunny.
Nicolas Cage: Let's go home.
[they leave, with Las Vegas in FLAMES behind them]

Hotness: B-
Psychoticness: B+
Hilarity: A
Gunfights/Other Things Burning: A
That One Part Where John Cusack's Car Lands On His Douche Boss's Car: A+

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I feel like this movie came out around the time when Las Vegas was obviously trying to drum up more tourism and pretty much every single movie and TV show was prominently displaying the attractive landscape of Las Vegas.

Emily Sue said...

I like how the actors names could easily be posted over their heads on the poster but are not.