COVID hasn't quite driven me to watch the Netflix version of this movie yet. All I know is that Armie Hammer wears an enormous mustard-colored suit, which is really all I need to hear. Maxim de Winter would NEVER.
Perhaps Laurence Olivier wore a mustard suit in this version as well, but we'll never know. His suits are just another mystery of this very mysterious film.
**
[we OPEN on a BURNED-OUT shell of a MANSION, which is DEFINITELY not a SPOILER]
Joan Fontaine VO: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.*
[FLASHBACK to Laurence Oliver TEETERING over a ROCKY CLIFF, Winslet-style]
Joan Fontaine: No, please! Don’t do it!
Laurence Olivier: Who are you? I was having a dramatic moment!
[she RUNS AWAY and meets up with her Dowager Boss at their FANCY hotel]
Dowager Boss: I’m paying you to be my companion, not climb around on cliffs! Ugh, I hate you.
Joan Fontaine: It’s OK, I hate me too, for I am the meekest, most self-loathing wet blanket in cinema history.
Laurence Olivier: Now I am in a tuxedo and feeling all better. And who might you be?
Joan Fontaine: Oh my, I don't have a name! I don't deserve one.
Laurence Olivier: Now that we are alone, I must thank you for interrupting my suicide. As a reward I will speak faster than the Micro Machines guy and take you on dates against your will.
Joan Fontaine: <3
[the Dowager ABRUPTLY decides they have to LEAVE and Joan Fontaine is HEARTBROKEN]
Joan Fontaine: I’m sorry to disturb you while you’re in the shower, but I am going away forever.
Laurence Olivier: Well that won’t do. Why don’t you stay with me?
Joan Fontaine: Do you need a secretary or something?*
Laurence Olivier: I’m asking you to marry me, you little fool.*
[OBVIOUSLY she cannot RESIST this AMAZING proposal and they are MARRIED]
Dowager Boss: HA! Good luck living up to his first wife, whose death destroyed him. She had a first name. It was...REBECCA.
Joan Fontaine: REBECCA.
[they GO to Manderley, his IMPOSING mansion]
Mrs. Danvers: WELCOME TO THE HOUSE, MADAM. I SHALL BE RUNNING THINGS AS I RAN THEM FOR THE FIRST MRS. DE WINTER.
[she is ICE-COLD and Joan Fontaine is INTIMIDATED but then again, she is INTIMIDATED by literally EVERYTHING]
Mrs. Danvers: I HOPE YOU WILL BE COMFORTABLE IN THIS ROOM. THIS OF COURSE WAS NOT HER ROOM, HER ROOM WAS BETTER. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO IN THAT ROOM.
[Joan Fontaine BREAKS a statue and HIDES the pieces in TERROR even though its TECHNICALLY HER statue now**]
Joan Fontaine: Let’s go for a walk by the sea, darling! Oh no, the dog ran away! I’ll fetch him!
Laurence Olivier: No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[she FOLLOWS the DOG to a CREEPY SHED and is UNSETTLED]
Laurence Olivier: DID YOU GO TO THE SHED
Joan Fontaine: Why are you so angry? What have I done? Why am I such a sentient trash bag?
[he APOLOGIZES like a CLASSIC ABUSER]
Joan Fontaine: I am mysteriously drawn to Rebecca. Perhaps I shall check out the West Wing.
Mrs. Danvers: HELLO. I WAS JUST LURKING BY THE DOOR, AS ONE DOES. I KNEW YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE HER ROOM.
[the ROOM is OPULENT and LITERALLY everything is MONOGRAMMED with an “R” like, we GET IT, Rebecca]
Mrs. Danvers: LOOK AT HOW SEXY HER NIGHTIE WAS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO TOUCH IT? IN ITS SEXY PARTS?
[she FONDLES the NIGHTIE]
Mrs. Danvers: DO YOU THINK THE DEAD WATCH OVER THE LIVING?* I BET SHE WATCHES YOU FUCK AND THINKS YOU’RE BAD AT IT.
Joan Fontaine: Why must you torture me?!
[she PULLS it together, KIND OF, and PLANS a COSTUME BALL to PROVE that she is as FUN as Rebecca]
Mrs. Danvers: I SUGGEST THAT YOU WEAR THIS TOTALLY ORIGINAL COSTUME THAT ABSOLUTELY NO ONE HAS EVER WORN AND LOOKED AMAZING IN BEFORE, CERTAINLY NO ONE WHOSE NAMED STARTED WITH AN “R.”
Joan Fontaine: For some reason, I trust you now. Surprise, darling! Look at my costume!
Laurence Olivier: TAKE IT OFF!
Joan Fontaine: You monster! Why do you hate me so?
Mrs. Danvers: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KILL YOURSELF.
[she BECKONS Joan Fontaine to an OPEN WINDOW, but before she can PLUMMET to her DEATH, a boat WASHES up on shore CONTAINING a Rebecca CORPSE]
Joan Fontaine: Darling? Why are you hiding in the creepy shack? This must be so terrible for you. Oh, I know that I can’t measure up to the way you loved her.
Laurence Olivier: You think I loved Rebecca? I hated her!*
Joan Fontaine: Wuhhhh?
Laurence Olivier: Yes. She was a big jerk who loved to party and sleep with her cousins and have abortions. She told me right in this very spot that I could never get away from her, and OH HOW SHE LAUGHED.* And then she fell and banged her head and died and honestly, it was pretty convenient. I put her body in a sailboat and that’s that.
Joan Fontaine: Oh darling, I believe every word of this story!
[there is an INQUEST cause Larry MISIDENTIFIED a different CORPSE that he KNEW wasn’t Rebecca]
Rebecca’s Cousin/Lover: Someone drilled holes in the boat! He’s a murderer!
Laurence Olivier: No! We have to see her doctor!
[they GO TO Rebecca's DOCTOR for some REASON and LEARN that she had INCURABLE CANCER]
The Judge: Well, I guess she just killed herself in the most elaborate way possible. Nothing more to see here!
Everyone: Hooray!
[Laurence Olivier DRIVES home and SEES that Manderley is AFLAME]
Joan Fontaine: It’s Mrs. Danvers! She’s gone mad!
[we SEE Mrs. Danvers FLAIL in the WEST WING as it BURNS because she is a DEVOTED SERVANT and DEFINITELY not BECAUSE she was GAY FOR Rebecca]
*actual line from movie
**TBH, I would do this too
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