Ever since I largely abandoned this blog for my much-more-popular Star Trek fashion blog, Laura McClain has been reprimanding me for neglecting it. From time to time she tells me I should write one (I just saw the new Bond movie and HOO BOY is that one begging to get the UCM treatment), and I say "I totally will!!!" and then don't. Then she sends me one and shows me how it's done.
[it is Hollywood in the 1950s, where “Every Movie’s a Circus” (I HAD TO, YOU GUYS)]
William Holden: I bet you’re wondering how I ended up dead in this pool, right? THIS is how you do a beyond-the-grave narration, Spacey!
[it is a LITTLE BIT earlier]
William Holden: I need to get a writing job. I’m supposed to be living the Hollywood dream!
Some Thugs: You’re behind on your car payments, so we’re here to vaguely menace you.
[he GOES to a FANCY PRODUCER’S office and PITCHES a STUPID-SOUNDING baseball movie but he’s still PRETTY HOT]
Fancy Producer: Eh…..
Betty Schaeffer: Fancy producer, I read this baseball script. It’s pretty retarded. Also I yell all of my lines, for no apparent reason.
William Holden: Thanks for nothing, sister.
[he MAKES a SERIES of DESPERATE phone calls to GET a JOB to NO AVAIL]
William Holden: Guess I’ll just drive my car around the streets of Hollywood.
[the THUGS see him and he LEADS them on a CHASE]
William Holden: I’ll just park my car here, in the garage of this giant monster house.
Erich von Stroheim: Ah, you are here. Madam has been waiting.
William Holden: Eh?
[he GOES into the HOUSE which is SUMPTUOUS]
Gloria Swanson: FINALLY YOU’RE HERE. WHERE IS THE TINY CASKET?
William Holden: Ehhhh? Wait a second, you’re….you’re Norma Desmond. You used to be in pictures. You used to be big.*
Gloria Swanson: I AM BIG IT’S THE PICTURES THAT GOT SMALL.*
[she sort of HISSES and DOES weird things with her HANDS]
Gloria Swanson: NOW TAKE MY BELOVED FRIEND AND BURY HIM.
[she REVEALS a DEAD MONKEY that is not REALISTIC, but you’re still like AAAAA]
William Holden: I’m not a monkey undertaker (lol). I’m a writer.
Gloria Swanson: A WRITER, EH? PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MY 700-PAGE SCRIPT FOR SALOME. EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE THAT MOVIE, OBVIOUSLY.
William Holden: I guess I could try to bilk you out of some dough.
[he TYPES in her LIVING ROOM decorated with old PHOTOS of her which is a HOT BITCH move]
Erich von Stroheim: Your things are in the guest bedroom over the garage. I moved them from your apartment.
William Holden: This is creepy, but I’m going to see how it plays out for some reason.
[they WORK on her SCRIPT and WATCH her old MOVIES and she TOUCHES his INNER THIGH a LOT and YELLS]
Gloria Swanson: WATCH MY CHARLIE CHAPLIN ROUTINE. I HAVE STILL GOT IT.
Erich von Stroheim: I have moved you into the husband’s old bedroom. It is next to Madame’s.
William Holden: Gross. Yet I will continue to live here.
Gloria Swanson: I BOUGHT YOU SOME NEW SUITS. PUT ON YOUR TUX FOR MY NEW YEAR’S PARTY.
William Holden: When are the other guests getting here?
Gloria Swanson: WE JUST NEED US. AND MAX, WHO IS STARING AT US WEIRDLY.
William Holden: Just us? But why….oh. Ohhhhhh.
Audience: No duh, Holden.
William Holden: Yeah, I reaaaaaaaaaaaaally don’t want to get with that.
Gloria Swanson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[he LEAVES to go PARTY with NORMAL people]
Betty Schaeffer: Hi! Sorry I was a bitch about your script. I am scrappy and cute and I still yell all my lines for some reason! I liked a story you wrote once and want to make it into a movie.
William Holden: Hmmmmmmm.
Erich von Stroheim: [on PHONE] You must come back. Madame has slit her wrists in a fit of attention-seeking.
William Holden: Shit.
Gloria Swanson: YOU DON’T LOVE MEEEEEEE. LET ME DIIIIIIIE.
William Holden: Oh, SHIT.
[he FUCKS her, MERCIFULLY off-screen]
Gloria Swanson: TRA LA EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL. AND MR. MAYER HAS CALLED! HE WANTS ME BACK. THEY ALL WANT ME BACK.
[they GO to the STUDIO and she looks FLY as FUCK]
Cecil de Mille: Uh, hi Norma. What are you doing here?
[all the TEAMSTERS and old WARDROBE ladies SURROUND her and FAWN and it’s NICE to see this BITCH get the RESPECT she DESERVES]
Cecil de Mille: We just wanted to rent her hilariously old car for a movie. But never tell her that. She was the greatest of them all!
William Holden: Hello, loud yelling girl. You can use my story to write a screenplay.
Betty Schaeffer: Write it with me!
William Holden: Hmmmmmmmm.
[he SNEAKS out a LOT to WRITE with her and it’s OK, but you JUST WANT to get back to the MANSE of DELUSION]
Gloria Swanson: I MUST BE PERFECT FOR MY COMEBACK! SLATHER ME WITH CREAMS.
[there is a SLATHERING montage]
Betty Schaeffer: I’m breaking up with my fiancé. I love you, predictably.
[they MAKE OUT]
Erich von Stroheim: Your sneaking out has distressed Madam. I will do anything to protect her. I discovered her and was her director. AND HER HUSBAND.
[there is a HILARIOUSLY DRAMATIC musical CUE]
Gloria Swanson: I KNOW THERE IS ANOTHER GIRL. LOOK AT MY HANDS, JOE! I’M FALLING APART!
[she CALLS Betty to TELL her William Holden’s TERRIBLE GIGOLO secret]
William Holden: Yes, Betty, come over. See the truth!
Betty Schaeffer: Let’s get out of here!
William Holden: No, I hate you now. I know I’m the protagonist, but I’m really just kind of a dick.
Gloria Swanson: NOW I HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF.
William Holden: I’m leaving you, Norma.
Gloria Swanson: YOU CAN’T! MAAAAAAAAAAAX!
William Holden: Tell her, Max! Tell her about the car and that you write all her fan mail and that she’s a miserable disgusting failure!
Erich von Stroheim: Madame is the greatest star of them all.*
[Holden PEACES OUT and Gloria Swanson HISSES a LOT and gets CRAZY EYES and then SHOOTS his ASS and you’re like, GOOD]
Reporters: Hubbub! Hubbub! What a scoop!
Gloria Swanson: [SITS CATATONICALLY]
Some Reporter: The news cameras are here.
Gloria Swanson: CAMERAS?
Erich von Stroheim: Uh, yeah. I will support your delusion because I am a good person.
Gloria Swanson: I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK ON SET AND TO BE WITH YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN THE DARK [HISSSSSSS]. I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP MR. DEMILLE.*
[she WRITHES a LOT at the CAMERA and it RULES]