12.13.2010

Black Swan


[it is A BALLET STAGE]
Natalie Portman: I'm dancing! I'm dancing the Swan Queen and I'm beautiful!! Oh, it was all a dream. I guess I'm just in my pink bedroom full of stuffed animals.
Barbara Hershey: Sweetheart? Let me help you get dressed.
Natalie Portman: Ugh, Mom, I'm an adult.
Barbara Hershey: NO YOU ARE NOT. Have fun at work. Make sure you're the best ballerina ever, because I need to live vicariously through you.
[she goes and DANCES with lots of TECHNIQUE but very little PASSION]
Vincent Cassel: Allo, dancers. I weel be peecking a new Swan Queen this year. It will be VERY IMPORTANT. I am French.
[they have AUDITIONS and Natalie Portman is REAL GOOD but NOT SEXY ENOUGH]
Mila Kunis: Ha ha! I wear black and laugh a lot! This is because I am sexual, UNLIKE YOU.
Natalie Portman: I am fragile! I didn't get the part!
[she WEEPS and tears at her FINGERNAILS]
Barbara Hershey: You go in there and get that part.
Natalie Portman: Um, so, I was hoping I could be the Swan Queen.
Vincent Cassel: Ow weel you convince me, eh?
[he KISSES her and it is CREEPY and she BITES him]
Vincent Cassel: Now I see you have ze passion. YOU ARE MY NEW SWAN QUEEN.
Winona Ryder: Noooooooooooo! I am in this movieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
Vincent Cassel: Pay no mind to her, she is washed up, non?
[there is a GALA]
Vincent Cassel: The sex, do you like it?
Natalie Portman: Uh, haha, I'm innocent! Look! I'm even wearing a white gown. All white and pink, all the time! Byeeee!
[she WEEPS some more]
Barbara Hershey: What are these scratches on your back? ARE YOU SCRATCHING YOURSELF?
[she VIOLENTLY clips Natalie Portman's NAILS and it is ICKY]
Natalie Portman: I must find the passion in my dance!
[she TRIES to do that, but DOES NOT because of her INNOCENCE and FRAGILITY]
Mila Kunis: Let's smoke in the rehearsal space! I am a bad girl! Wooooo!
Vincent Cassel: Your friend Mila Kunis tells me I am working you too hard.
Natalie Portman: What? No!!
Mila Kunis: Sorry about that. To make up for it, I will take you out for a drink and then drug you.
[they go to a RAVE, which is apparently STILL A THING]
Natalie Portman: Ha ha! Rebelling against my mother is the best!
Mila Kunis: I know, right?! Let's make out!!
[they DO, and then have SEX and it is HOT???? but actually more CREEPY]
Natalie Portman: Oh my god, why did you just leave my house this morning?
Mila Kunis: Ummmm what? Wait, did you have a lezzie wet dream about me?* LOL YOU DID!
Natalie Portman: I don't know what's real!!!!
[she finds a FEATHER growing out of her BACK]
Natalie Portman: What is happening to me?!?!? I'm so skinny but still pretty but so creeped out right now!!
[she sees a figure COVERED IN BLOOD]
Lauren and Claire: AAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Natalie Portman: I will go talk to Winona Ryder, who is in the hospital because she ran in front of a car earlier.
[she gives Winona back the NAIL FILE she stole from her and Winona stabs HER OWN FACE with it]
Natalie Portman: Things!! Happening! Weird things!!! BUT I MUST DANCE.
[it is the NIGHT OF THE SHOW]
Mila Kunis: Oh, hey, FYI, I'm your alternate, which is apparently what we call understudies in dancing? Promise I'm not trying to be you or anything.
Natalie Portman: Yes you are!!!
[she fucking STABS her with a piece of a MIRROR and it is like DAMN]
Natalie Portman: Oh my god!! BUT I MUST DANCE.
[she DANCES like she's NEVER DANCED BEFORE and starts to TURN INTO a BLACK SWAN]
Vincent Cassel: Zut alors! You have found ZE PASSION.
Natalie Portman: But what about the body in my dressing room?
Mila Kunis: Heyyyyy I'm not dead! You are going crazy! And actually you stabbed yourself, haha!!
Natalie Portman: Oh, shit, I did. BUT I MUST DANCE.
[she DOES, and is PERFECT, and then DIES?]
Darren Aronofsky: BEHOLD MY GENIUS!! BEHOLD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 comments:

raych said...

I have missed you so hard. Also, thanks for watching this so I could get the gist without having to sit through all the tense SOMEBADDY'S GONNA BREAK A BONE moments. Those stress me out.

Anonymous said...

I just saw a commercial for this and literally said out loud, "GOD, how are they SOOOO skinny?"

Also, LOL YOU DID! is my favorite part. :)

-T

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Ditto Raych. Noe wayz I could ever sit through this movie. I could barely sit through the ultra-condensed version. Or the trailer. Ouch.

BeckEye said...

Good Lord. Thank you for this, because there is no way in hell I'm paying $12 to see this shit.