[it is the LATE 90s]
Bill Paxton-not-Pullman: I’m so excited to dig amongst the ruins of the Titanic! The treasures we will find!
[he PILOTS a baby SUBMARINE and DIGS through WRECKAGE with CLAW HANDS]
Bill Paxton: A trunk! This is where the diamond will be.
[there is no DIAMOND, just some MUD]
Science Worker: Look what I found while cleaning the wreckage.
[he HOLDS us a CHARCOAL drawing of a NAKED CHICK which is PRESERVED, against ALL LOGIC]
BPax: Whaaaaa? This naked chick is wearing the cheesy diamond!
[meanwhile, in the HOME of SOMEONE who has CLEARLY led a RICH and FULFILLING life]
News Report: People are still grave-robbing the Titanic. Check out the cans on this tragic shipwreck victim.
Very Old Woman: Haaaaand me the phooooone.
[she CALLS Bill Paxton, SOMEHOW]
VOW: The woman in the picture is meeeee.*
[she TRAVELS to BPax’s BOAT and GOES down to the WRECKAGE]
VOW: Even though nobody aaaasked, I will tell you my traaaagic tale. They called Titanic the ship of dreaaaaams. And it waaaas. It reaaaally was…*
[we are TRANSPORTED to the PAST via the MAGIC of a PAN FLUTE]
Kate Winslet: Pish. This ship is nowhere near as impressive as my giant hat.
Billy Zane: Ha ha! Silly Rose! This ship rules!
[they BOARD the SHIP whilst MISTREATING those of a LOWER social standing]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Fellas, me and my comically Italian friend here are gonna beat your asses in this here poker game.
Random Roughneck: Care to make it more interesting?
[he LAYS down Titanic TICKETS]
Leo: Flush. Or straight, or whatever. I win!
Porter: All aboard!
[the SHIP pulls AWAY from the DOCK with like, RIDICULOUS DRAMA]
Audience: Dial it back, Cameron, we all took fourth-grade history.
Kate: Yawn. I guess my gilded stateroom is nice and all, but UGH. So bored.
[she UNPACKS a bunch of Monet and Picasso PAINTINGS for no REAL reason but to show that she is WAY DEEP]
Leo: I am so grateful for my pitiful metal bunk in steerage! I will scream out my joy for my good fortune but balancing precariously on the bow of the ship!
[he YELLS a CATCHPHRASE and “WOOS” a LOT like a TEEN on TRL]
[MEANWHILE, in FIRST CLASS…]
Kathy Bates: Hey there, young lady! I am Molly Brown. Some may even call me unsinkable! Wink wink.
Kate’s Mom: New money.*
[they all EAT lunch and the ship owner BRAGS about SIZE and Kate MAKES a SASSY Freud JOKE which AMUSES Victor Garbor, the ship designer]
Zane: We’ll just have to control what she reads from now on.
[he does not TWIRL a MUSTACHE, but he MIGHT as WELL]
Leo: I will sketch these hardworking people on the ship deck. Dreamboat!
[he SEES Kate and is like, WHOA]
Kate: I can’t take this anymore! These fancy parties and these beautiful gowns and that dickface I have to marry! Weeeep!
[she RUNS to the BACK of the SHIP and DANGLES over it]
Leo: Don’t do it! We’re in the North Atlantic. That water is hella cold.
Kate: Your words have soothed me, vagrant. I will let you pull me to safety.
[she SLIPS on her AMAZING dress and ALMOST dies and it is SUSPENSEFUL]
Zane: You filth! How dare you touch my property!
Kate: No, he saved me. I was leaning over to look at the propellers.
Zane: You women. So stupid. Come to dinner with us, young ruffian. I’d like to insincerely thank you for saving my fiancée while looking like a big shot when I make fun of your hayseed ways.
Kate: Thanks again for saving me. The inertia of my life was just too intense.
Leo: No biggie. Look at my sketches of French prostitutes.
[they BOND over ART]
Kate: Oh, why can’t I be poor and free, like you? I want to ride horses in the surf and spit.
[they have a SPITTING LESSON and it is GROSS]
Kate’s Mom: So you’re the peasant who saved my precious daughter. See you at dinner.
Kathy Bates: Come, you dashing young rogue. I’ll let you borrow my son’s implausibly well-fitting tuxedo.
[he GOES to DINNER and CHARMS the PANTS off all the RICHIE RICHES]
Leo: So, you want to go to a real party?*
[they go into STEERAGE and have fun, ETHNIC times, while Zane’s MANSERVANT looks on MENACINGLY]
Zane: I can’t believe you. Cavorting with a hobo like that!
[he FLIPS a TABLE to SHOW he MEANS business]
Kate’s Mom: I don’t want you seeing that vagabond again!
[she YANKS on Kate’s CORSET strings to show that she, too, MEANS business]
Kate: I HATE YOU ALL.
Leo: Hey! It’s you! What’s up?
Kate: I can never see you again. This burgeoning romance is just waaaay too clichéd.
Kate: Forget it. I changed my mind. Your bangs are too floppy to resist.
[they KISS on the BOW of the SHIP and it looks UNCOMFORTABLE]
[MEANWHILE, lest you FORGET where we ARE…]
Ship Owner: Faster! I want the world to marvel at both size and speed. That’s what she said!
Captain: But sir, I…
Ship Owner: Silence!
[IMMIGRANTS shovel more COAL into the ENGINES]
Kate: Welcome to my stateroom. Look at this honking diamond my lame fiancé gave me.
Kate: I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. Wearing this. Wearing ONLY THIS.*
[she DISROBES and he DRAWS her BOOBIES]
VOW: It waaaas the mooooost eroooootic moooment of my liiiiife.*
Everyone on BPax’s Ship: Yikes.
Kate: Let’s go for a walk - gah!
[the MANSERVANT starts to PURSUE them and they RUN AWAY for SOME REASON instead of ACTING like ADULTS]
Manservant: The joke is on them. I put the giant diamond in the poor boy’s coat. Mwah ha ha.
Leo: Ha ha! We got away. And look at this cool car down in steerage.
Kate: Put your hands on me.*
[they have EXCESSIVELY SWEATY sex]
Kate: I’m running away with you! Let’s make out!
Guy in Crow’s Nest: Aww. Look at ‘em! Kissin’ on th’ deck!
Other Guy: Awwwwwww.
[they DO not NOTICE a HUGE FUCKING ICEBERG]
First Class Passengers: What the what? How dast you disturb my moneyed slumber!
Ship Owner: But this ship is unsinkable! At least that’s what our ads say…
Victor Garber: You fool! Titanic will flounder.*
Leo: Wow, look at all this ice. I think the ship might be in tro-
Zane: Thief! He stole my priceless necklace!
[the ship cops DRAG him AWAY because catching a PETTY THIEF is really IMPORTANT right now]
Kate: Could he have done it? I am so conflicted!
[MEANWHILE, the GUYS in the ENGINE ROOM are DROWNING in ICY water]
Porters: Now, just stay there, unwashed steerage passengers. We’re keeping you locked below deck. For your own safety.
Rich Passengers: My life jacket looks smashing with this tuxedo! Bring me another brandy!
[a MILD panic STARTS, but EVERYONE is still in the DARK/DENIAL]
String Quartet: Let’s play jaunty tunes on the deck, to keep people calm.
Ship: I am tipping over.
Kate: I must find Leo! I won’t get in this lifeboat. GOODBYE, MOTHER.*
[she RUNS below DECK and FINDS him HANDCUFFED to a POLE]
Kate: I will axe you free!
[she DOES, but now they are BELOW deck where SHIT is GOING DOWN, namely the SHIP]
[they OVERCOME many CGI WATER-BASED obstacles and EVENTUALLY make it ABOVE deck]
Zane: There you are. Get in this lifeboat. I will get in a different lifeboat with your boyfriend here. Why WOULDN’T you trust me?
Kate: I will reluctantly agree.
[some FLARES explode, ILLUMINATING Leo’s Tiger Beat FACE]
[she LEAPS out of the BOAT and into the BIGGER, DOOMED boat]
Leo: You idiot! I love you!
[Zane MAKES a POUTY face and then PURSES them with a GUN, because the INHERENT drama of one of the WORST maritime disasters in HISTORY is not ENOUGH]
Kate: Damn it! Guess we have to run/swim/narrowly escape death again.
[MEANWHILE, touching things HAPPEN, like an old couple LAYING in a BED and the CAPTAIN getting DROWNED to DEATH]
Leo: We implausibly made it back up to the top!
Ship: I am tipping more! Slide down my wooden deck!
Kathy Bates: [from a lifeboat] God almighty.*
[she WATCHES the SHIP from a DISTANCE and for all my SNARKING it is a pretty REMARKABLE/CHILLING sight]
Leo: Run to the top of the ship! Somehow I know exactly what to do in the rare event that an enormous ocean liner sinks!
Kate: This is where we first met.*
Ship: See ya.
[the SHIP sinks and it is TERRIFYING]
Leo: Swim, Rose! I found a door for you to lay on. Let’s discuss our relationship while I freeze to death.
[an UNSPECIFIED amount of TIME passes and SERIOUSLY everyone is DEAD]
Kate: There’s a boat, Jack! It came back for us! Jack? Ohhhh shit.
Me, as a 15-Year Old: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Kate: I’ll never let go!
[she LETS go and WHISTLES her way to SALVATION]
VOW: So that’s my tragic tale. Only took three hours to tell!
BPax: Yeah, nice yarn, grams. So….do you have the diamond?
VOW: [Smiles MYSTERIOUSLY]
[later that NIGHT]
VOW: I will drop this priceless diamond into the ocean for absolutely no reason.
[she DIES and her HEAVEN is the Titanic and she and Leo KISS to a SLOW CLAP from all the PASSENGERS and it is SWEET but also kind of CREEPY]