12.04.2009

The End of the Affair

Frequent guest contributor Laura McClain, head of the Weepy Epics Department here at UCM, realized we hadn't had one in a while. Beware: this movie is, like, majorly depressing. But she's made it hilarious! Magical.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is POST-WAR LONDON]
Ralph Fiennes Voice-Over: This is a story of pain and hatred. Lock in, kids, it’s going to be a long one.
[he WALKS in the CINEMATICALLY POURING RAIN]
Ralph Fiennes: Why, Henry old chap. Why are you out without an umbrella? You’re sure to catch your death.
Stephen Rea: I thought I would look more miserable soaking wet.
[they GO to a PUB, because they are ENGLISH]
Stephen Rea: I think my wife is having an affair. I’m even thinking about hiring a detective to follow her.
Ralph Fiennes: An affair, eh? Why don’t I go see the detective for you? I’d like to know myself if your wife is having an affair, though I’ve seen neither of you for two years. This is in no way suspicious.
Stephen Rea: That’s…really weird. I think I’m good.
[Ralph Fiennes GOES to see a DETECTIVE anyway]
Ralph Fiennes: I need you to follow my friend’s wife. But don’t tell him that I sent you after her.
The Head of the Agency: Most interesting!*
Ralph Fiennes VO: I remember when I first met her in the war….
[FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK]
Stephen Rea: Hello there! Welcome to our party, neighbor! This is my wife, Sarah.
Julianne Moore: Hello, attractive stranger.
Ralph Fiennes: I’m writing a novel and I want to use your husband as my inspiration.
Julianne Moore: My husband’s not that inspirational.
[though they MET 30 seconds AGO, they ALMOST MAKE OUT]
Stephen Rea: Why don’t you take my wife to the movies? I need to establish that I am an uninterested husband and give you a chance to be alone. This will accomplish both tasks.
[they GO to a MOVIE and DINNER and EAT ONIONS which PROVES their LOVE]
Julianne Moore: Let’s go back to my house.
Ralph Fiennes: Only if we can fondle each other on a staircase.
[they BONE in a SCENE that MIGHT POSSIBLY be CERTAIN guest contributors' GO-TO LADYPORN]
Stephen Rea: Hey-ho! Sarah! Are you upstairs?
Julianne Moore: [CRIES out in ECSTASY]
Ralph Fiennes: What if he heard?*
Julianne Moore: He wouldn’t recognize the sound.* BURNNNNNN!!
Ralph Fiennes VO: So we started a torrid affair, meeting to ball during the Blitz. History!
[PRESENT DAY]
Nebbish Detective: ‘ello, sir. I’ve been assigned to your case. I’m going to take my son along on this, the 1940’s version of “Cheaters,” because that’s appropriate for a child.
Ralph Fiennes: Cool, dude.
[he GOES to Stephen Rea’s HOUSE to BRAG about the DETECTIVE]
Stephen Rea: What the hell is wrong with you? I told you not to follow my wife.
Ralph Fiennes: Sarah’s home.
Stephen Rea: It’s the maid.
Ralph Fiennes: No, it was Sarah’s step.* That’s romantic, right? Not stalkery?
Julianne Moore: You.*
Ralph Fiennes: BYE.
[he HUFFS OFF]
Julianne Moore: Hey, I know it’s been a while, but do you want to have lunch with me?
Ralph Fiennes: Okay. I guess. Whatever. I ain’t even care.
Julianne Moore: Thanks for meeting me. Oh, one second.
[she COUGHS very DRAMATICALLY]
Audience: Really? They’re showing their hand this early in the movie?
[she TRIES to HOLD his HAND but he is COLD, so she RUNS OFF]
Ralph Fiennes: So many memories….
[he THINKS about their WARTIME TRYSTS, which he always RUINED by being SUPER JEALOUS and POSSESSIVE]
Ralph Fiennes: God, those were good times.
FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK
Ralph Fiennes: I love being romantic with you with all these bombs exploding around us...oh shit! I think a bomb exploded my house.
[he GOES DOWNSTAIRS and GETS BLOWN UP]
Ralph Fiennes: Hey, I’m alive. Phew. Sarah?
[he FINDS her on her KNEES]
Ralph Fiennes: I’m okay!
Julianne Moore: I have to go. Forever.
[PRESENT DAY]
Nebbish Detective: So, I stole your friend’s wife’s diary.
Ralph Fiennes: Sweet. I must know why she ended our affair. Good thing she wrote out the events of her life in a literary way appropriate for a voiceover.
[he READS the DIARY and they SWITCH PERSPECTIVES]
Julianne Moore VO: I miss my old lover so much. If only I hadn’t made that promise….
FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK
Ralph Fiennes: I love being romantic with you with all these bombs exploding around us….oh shit! I think a bomb exploded my house.
[he GOES DOWNSTAIRS and GETS BLOWN UP]
Julianne Moore: [COMPLETE FREAKOUT]
[she RUNS down the STAIRS and sees his DEAD-LOOKING BODY]
Julianne Moore: Dear God, if you let him live, I promise I’ll give him up forever!
Ralph Fiennes: I’m okay!
Julianne Moore: I have to go. Forever.
Ralph Fiennes: Now I know why she ended the affair! It’s all God’s fault!
[he FOLLOWS her into a CHURCH]
Julianne Moore: I’m super-religious now.
Ralph Fiennes: That’s mumbo-jumbo, Sarah.*
[they BONE (not in the church) then go on VACAY]
Stephen Rea: Hey, you guys. Did you forget about me? The hangdog husband? Sarah, I talked to the doctor. You’re dying.
Julianne Moore: Yeah, I know. Remember when I coughed hackingly like, an hour ago?
Ralph Fiennes: WHAAA?
[they go back to LONDON and CARE for Julianne Moore as she DIES of EXTREME BEAUTY DISEASE]
Julianne Moore: I love you so much, though we have literally had not one moment of happiness together. Seriously, did either one of us smile this entire movie?
[she DIES and her HUSBAND and LOVER share a MAN-HUG of DESPAIR]
Ralph Fiennes: So, that’s my story of hate. Cause I hate you, God, for taking her away. My jealously truly knows no bounds.
Audience: Yiiiiikes. Let’s go get pie.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

That last line had me in stitches.

David Sedaris made fun of this movie in his book 'Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim' and also couldn't get over that coughing bit, because high brow fare usually tries to stay away from tv movie "Well, she'll be dead in 20 minutes" plot devices.