12.05.2008

Connie and Carla


[it is CHICAGO]
Connie and Carla: Thank you, thank you, O'Hare Airport, for enjoying our medley of showtunes!
[the AUDIENCE stares BLANKLY at them]
Nia Vardalos: Ohhhh...kay.
Toni Collette: That's okay, we're living our dream! Kind of. And our boyfriends are nice. Sort of.
[they WITNESS a MURDER in a PARKING GARAGE]
Nia Vardalos: We gotta get outta town! We gotta go somewhere with no culture at all, so they'll never think to look for us there!
[clearly, they go to LOS ANGELES]
Toni Collette: Wow, look at all these cute guys! They're so tan and fit and fashionable! And somehow, though we are obsessed with musical theater, I'm not aware that they are gay, gay, gay!
[they find a FURNISHED apartment, like, IMMEDIATELY]
David Duchovny: Oh. Hello. We ran into each other.
Literally.
Nia Vardalos: Oh. Hello. How adorable. Perhaps I will run into you again at some point.
Toni Collette: We need jobs!! What are we going to do!!?!?
Nia Vardalos: Your voice is giving me [insert humorous disease here].
[they find out about DRAG QUEEN auditions and decide to TRY since they have LOTS of WIGS and are TALL]
Gays: Oh, please! Liza? AGAIN? GIRRRRRRL.
[they SING and are APPLAUDED HEARTILY and BELIEVED to be MEN]
Nia Vardalos: Let's do a medley! It will include many classic musicals.
Neighbor Gays: Can we join your troupe? We have a variety of skills so that our act will be fantastic.
[they DO, and it IS]
Peaches: I have family troubles.
David Duchovny: That would be me, his brother.
[some SHENANIGANS occur involving the brother and a MANICURE and Nia Vardalos KISSING the brother and the brother's FIANCEE being a TOTAL BITCH]
Toni Collette: Everything is ruined!! I'm calling my boyfriend in Chicago!
[meanwhile, in EVERY DINNER THEATER EVER]
Russian Mobster: Mame is wonderful show!
[he SINGS along and it is HILARIOUS]
Main Bad Guy: Go find your girlfriends, boys.
[the BOYFRIENDS go to LOS ANGELES and see Connie and Carla on LOCAL TV and they are BUSTED]
Nia Vardalos: But we can't leave now! The big opening of the dinner theater is tomorrow! We can't miss it!
Debbie Reynolds: Plus, I'm here for some reason!
[the MOBSTERS show up to the OPENING and try to KILL them but FAIL and everyone is like WTF]
Toni Collette: Okay, you got us - we're women.
[they show their BREASTS as PROOF]
Audience: You lied to us!
One Lady: But you made me feel beautiful!
Audience: Okay, we forgive you!
David Duchovny: I decided to come to your show. And I really like your friend, even though he is a man in drag.
Nia Vardalos: No, I'm not! You're not gay! Let's make out!
Toni Collette: Wait, don't I get a man?
Her Boyfriend from Chicago: I'm not a jerk! Let's make out!
Debbie Reynolds: Bokaaaaayyyyy!!!

2 comments: