How to Deal

[it is SOME TOWN]
Mandy Moore: My teenage existence is so bleak. My mom's depressed, my dad's dating an idiot, and my sister just told my mom she's getting married on the day my mom got divorced. I HATE YOU ALL.
[her MOM and her BEST FRIEND'S MOM make some sort of DATING VIDEO as a means to EXPOSITION about MAN-HATING]
Peter Gallagher: Don't worry, sweetie pie! Your rockin' old man will make ya laugh!! You've got my hair, sweetheart, don't ever cut your hair.
Mandy Moore: Cut it all off, best friend.
Best Friend: Do you like my new boyfriend?
Mandy Moore: Uh, I guess, but remember how LOVE DOESN'T EXIST?!? Look how dark and short my fucking HAIR is. I am SERIOUS about cynicism here.
Best Friend's Boyfriend's Friend: Hey, Mandy Moore, you're kind of cute. Maybe we should g--
Mandy Moore: Shut UP!
[the best friend's boyfriend DIES SUDDENLY at a SOCCER GAME with literally NO WARNING whatsoever]
Mandy Moore: Dude, I told you not to fall in love with him. Now he's dead.
Best Friend: Yeah, and I'm having all these symptoms that seem vaguely familiar, like nausea, tender breasts, and weird food cravi--SHIT! I'm pregnant!
[they tell her MOM, who FREAKS OUT because, like, HELLO, her daughter is having a DEAD DUDE'S baby]
Mandy Moore's Sister: HELLO?!?! I'm getting married, guys? Remember ME??!?!
Allison Janney: This mother-of-the-bride dress sucks. I'm outta here, daughters.
[she meets a COKE DELIVERY MAN who is dressed as a CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTOR, which is never really EXPLAINED, ever]
Allison Janney: He-ey!
Best Friend's Late Boyfriend's Friend: Hey, I still like you, Mandy Moore. Please allow me to hang around morosely and throw pebbles at your window EVERY SINGLE TIME I come over.
Mandy Moore: Well, all right, we can make out and stuff, but this doesn't mean I love you or anything because I HATE LOVE.
[she goes to her SISTER'S FIANCE'S HOUSE with her FAMILY and they all have an AWKWARD DINNER]
Grandma: I'm so high right now!
Mandy Moore: I'm going to the bathroom to smoke, though I have never expressed a desire to smoke cigarettes up to this point.
Allison Janney: What's your deal?
Mandy Moore: WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS ABOUT YOU though I have never once mentioned anything remotely related to this before, ever??!?!?!
[the sister gets WASTED and DESERTED by her friends on the PORCH and reveals that Allison Janney is DOING IT with the COKE DUDE]
Mandy Moore: Auuuughhhh!! I hate you alllllll!!!!
Peter Gallagher [on radio]: Hey there, kids! My daughter's getting married today, yet for some reason I am in the studio. Oh, now I see the reason. My other daughter's boyfriend or something has something to say.
Best Friend's Late Boyfriend's Friend: Guess what, Mandy Moore. The rock-throwing isn't working anymore, so I'm on the radio to say: I love you. Suck on that, love-hater.
Best Friend: Dude. Still preggers, guys.
[she goes in to LABOR whilst WALKING to Mandy Moore's sister's WEDDING and is RESCUED by the dead boyfriend's FRIEND]
Best Friend's Late Boyfriend's Friend: Remember how I came to the church and disrupted your sister's wedding to tell you your friend was in labor?
Mandy Moore: That was hot.
[they KISS and everyone looks at the NEWBORN CHILD, who represents REBIRTH, or possibly just BIRTH]

1 comment:

Jason Whittle said...

I was really hoping that I would get to the end of this one and scroll up and see that it was "Sight Unseen". I was hoping that this was the result of your fantastic imagination. I'm kinda sad that this movie exists in real life in the real world.