Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back

[it is the ICE PLANET HOTH]
Luke: La, la, la...this ice planet is really cool! I love investigating it totally alone!
[he is ATTACKED by some sort of CREATURE to explain the HORRIBLE SCARS on his FACE and PASSES OUT]
Vision of Obi-Wan: You need to go to Dagobah and get some Jedi training, because you're gonna be AWESOME!!
Luke: Whaaaaa? [passes OUT]
[back at the BASE]
Han Solo: I gotta go find Jabba the Hutt. I owe him money. I know it's dangerous, but dammit, I'm a dangerous guy.
Leia: Fine. That's fine. Whatevs.
Han Solo: I'm going to do what I want, and you can't stop me.
Leia: I really don't care what you do. At all. So there.
Han Solo: Cool. AWESOME. Love it. Hey, where's Luke??
[Han goes to RESCUE Luke and ENCASES him in a TAUN-TAUN so he can stay WARM]
Han Solo: And I thought these things smelled bad...on the outside!!*
[a PROBE discovers their LOCATION and the IMPERIAL ARMY attacks the BASE with CRAZY, TOTALLY INEFFICIENT WALKERS that they TAKE DOWN with the old LEASH-AROUND-THE-LEGS trick but the BASE is still CAPTURED]
Luke: K, I'm going to Dagobah.
Han Solo: Okay, have fun. We're leaving too...let's hide in this asteroid cave and fix the ship. Perhaps we could also have some sexually charged ship-repairing as well.
Leia: I hate you!
[they KISS, and it's about DAMN TIME]
Han Solo: Let's go to Cloud City and see a black person who will eventually betray us. We're not racist or anything.
[meanwhile, on DAGOBAH]
Luke: Hi, I'm looking for a Jedi master, little green man.
Yoda: Jedi master am I. Put me on your back, you will. Syntax proper not do I have.
[they TRAIN and talk about the FORCE and how it's INTENSE]
Luke: My friends are in trouble! I gotta go!
Yoda: Very powerful, the dark side is. Careful you should be.
Luke: Whatevs, I gotta go.
Han Solo: Being frozen in carbonite isn't so bad...I guess.
Leia: I love you.*
Han Solo: I know.*
All Girls Whose Boyfriends Love Star Wars: Aw, shit...now no one hot is left.
Luke: Hey, guys! Guys? I'm here to rescue you!!
Darth Vader: It's ON now.
[they PREPARE for BATTLE, while...]
Lando: Sorry about the betrayal thing. Let's get Han.
[they TRY to rescue Han but are TOO LATE]
Luke: I hate you!!! You killed my father!!!
Darth Vader: No...I AM your father.*
Luke: That's not true...that's impossible!!*
[Darth Vader CUTS OFF Luke's HAND and Luke jumps into a VAST HOLE and somehow LANDS on this TINY-ASS ANTENNA thing]
Leia: Go back to Cloud City...Luke is in trouble!!
[they RESCUE him from the TINY-ASS ANTENNA and make him a NEW HAND]
Luke: Gee, thanks. You're so pretty. Now we can make out...I mean, hang out and stuff.
Leia: That would be...nice...but somehow...creepy.
[they CHILLAX until the NEXT MOVIE because this one is CLIFFHANGERTASTIC]

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I fucking love this movie. As a 12-year old, I thought Han Solo was the hottest thing ever and that the romance in this movie was quite possibly the greatest love of all time. I still dream of my lover being wrenched from me to be frozen dramatically while a Wookie screams in the background.